Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

     During the holiday and Christmas season, Cole gets really excited about two things:  Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve and watching the ball drop live in Times Square from New York.  I can say this hypothetically speaking, but when I say Cole is obsessed with the New Year's Eve Ball Drop, he is OBSESSED with this once a year phenomenon.  I am thankful for New Year's Eve, simply because this was the first thing that engaged Cole in learning.  I knew from the time Cole was two years old, he was special.  I also knew Cole was my kid and anything he did was cute, so I didn't think much of it when he would keep repeating "10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1, happy new year 2003!".  

     By the time 2004 rolled around, I knew Cole had a learning difference.  The timeline for Cole's progression and seeing how other children were progressing with speech did worry me.  What if he can't catch up in school?  How am I going to get him potty trained and talking by the time he is three?  These were the questions that I had in the back of my head that needed to be answered, but I didn't know who to turn to for help.  I asked  Cole's pediatrician at the time if he had any references for speech therapy for Cole that could help him.  I told Cole's doctor that he wasn't potty trained at his three year old well-check up, but that didn't seem to bother him.    I also told him that I feel Cole needs speech therapy.  Doctors can see many children in one day, so I don't discredit Cole's former pediatrician for not listening to me or picking up on Cole's differences.  However, I knew once Cole was officially diagnosed having autism, I had to change pediatricians.  This was the best decision I made for Cole, me, and my husband.  Cole had the best private speech therapist from kindergarten until sixth grade named Pat Minter, who I credit with giving Cole a voice.  Ms. Pat worked so hard every week with Cole that by the time Cole reached sixth grade, you would never know he had a speech diffiency.  

      I did not know what autism was, but I was about to figure it out in 2005, thanks to the help of an article that was published in the magazine, Dallas Child.  I may have not known what autism was in 2005, but as we look ahead, ten years later, I consider myself an expert in this field.  I hope my blog helps you understand that people with autism are different; however, that does not make them dumb, stupid, or retarded.  I have heard people call others stupid or retarded, simply because of their ignorance towards a disability.  I really feel sorry for people that are so ignorant, simply because they can't see the good  or worth in a person who has autism, downs syndrome, or other learning/physical difference.  I have learned so much from Cole, simply because I haven't limited his thinking.  I knew when I was pregnant with Cole, he was going to be given every opportunity in school and at home to thrive in life.  I also knew that when Cole was diagnosed with autism, my world turned upside down.  The news that is given to you in a meeting telling you your kid has autism is quite an eye opener and shock.  I questioned my parenting skills and wanted to know, "why does my son have autism?.  Once the shock wore off, I knew what I had to do:  keep giving Cole the education he needed to thrive in and out of the classroom.  Cole is now in seventh grade and the life he has is something that he has worked really hard for.  Cole had a lot of help from me and his best friend, Archer, to make, establish, and keep incredible friendships with a lot of his friends, simply because I was not going to be that parent that hides her son from the world.  I credit Archer with being Cole's first very best friend, and because of this amazing and caring soul, Cole is happier than I have ever seen him.  Archer is one of those rare breeds; he loves Cole like his brother.  He would move mountains, run in front of a train for Cole, but most of all, he has always stood up for Cole.  I credit Archer's parents, Ryan and Amy, for giving Archer a strong foundation built on unconditional love, rules, and boundaries.  Because of Archer, Cole has a normal life. There are not many people that open their hearts and home to a kid with autism; I know because we have been there.  Ryan and Amy love Cole and because of them, we are better people.

     Fast forward thirteen years later, the countdown is still a staple in our house!  I love watching Cole get so excited about New Year's Eve, simply because this is his favorite holiday of all time.  Cole still does the countdown every day, whether it be at school, in the car, out in public, or at home.  This is our normal and I love our normal! We may look funny when we are walking across the street and we start to countdown from 10 to 1 in February, then end with "happy new year", but that is us.  I am forever thankful for "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" with your host Ryan Seacrest, simply because this was the first tool in Cole's life that helped him express his words.  Don't give up on your child; you will never know what is going on in their brain.  Sometimes a brain is just so big and full of ideas, that your child can't speak what they are thinking.  I know there are people living with autism that never speak; however, there are plenty of people that do talk who shouldn't!  Love one another, be kind to strangers, but most of all, make your life on Earth one to be remembered for the good that you do in other people's lives.  Happy New Year 2015!

2014: A Year of Reflection

2014:  A Year of Reflection

     I find myself on this journey we call life, and I can honestly say I have no regrets.  My forty years of living makes me feel, at times, like I am living in a 90 year old body, simply because I have done so much for others and not taken time out for myself to relax and rest.  I want to be so much to everyone that my crazy, hectic (yes I know I did this to myself) life just doesn't seem to slow down for one minute!  I was forced this past week to rest, due to a bout of pneumonia.  I am thankful for Christmas break, an incredible husband who does more than he should for me and Cole, but I am also keenly aware that I am not twenty years old.  I can reflect and look back at my life, and know that when I haven't slowed down, my life has caught up with me.  I was forced to slow down this past week and it made me realize that for the first time in my life I was going to die.  I have had pneumonia not once, not twice, but three times since I was 20.  Each time I have had pneumonia, it has been not bad, but REALLY BAD.  I was in depression when I was 20, but I didn't realize I was depressed.  I have been one of the very fortunate souls who have managed to find ways to cope when dealing with depression.  Depression, as we all know by Robin Williams' untimely death, does not discriminate.  I can write this blog post, simply because I have been down that lonely road we call depression.  My next few paragraphs will explain in full detail why depression hurts and where to turn to for help, when you don't feel there is a way out.

     I grew up in a very well adjusted home life.  I had two parents that adored me, a set of grandparents that would move mountains for me, and an incredible older brother that put up with my quirks.  Many people say that if you have a stable home life, you won't suffer from depression.  That is a TOTAL LIE!!!!  I had an incredible childhood that any kid could have picked and said, "Ooh, I want to be Erika.  She has everything."  I am living proof that if you have a stay-at-home mom, a dad who worked himself nearly to death to provide for his two children to have everything, your life will turn out perfect.  I am here to tell you that there is no white picket fence, even if it appears that way.  My parents made a deal early on that my mom would be a stay-at-home mom.  Looking back as an adult, I can't even imagine my mom NOT being a stay-at-home mom.  She did everything for me and my brother.  I attended dance class twice a week, gymnastics the other two days and our Fridays were always filled with either friends over at our house or just having family time together.  I truly believe these were my building blocks that formed me into becoming the great mom that I am today.  I am not bragging that I am a great mom, but I have worked extremely hard to fulfill this role as "great mom" to not just Cole, but to his friends and other students.  I loved my life growing up as a child and as a teenager and I knew when I had children, I would make them feel the exact same way about their childhood as I had:  happy, whole, and loved unconditionally.  However, once I started college, my life began to change.  

     Change is good, but when there is too much change all at once, this can be detrimental to a person who has depression.  I did not know I suffered from depression until I was in my thirties.  I was beat down so hard by my first husband that I started to believe his lies.  This is when my spiraling depression took form-- in the face of my now ex-husband.  I wanted to leave this abusive relationship, but how was I going to leave?  I had three options:  I could find an apartment on my own with Cole (who was not even 1 years old), wait it out and see if he was going to change with minimal counseling, or file for divorce.  Obviously, I chose option number three.  However, was this an easy choice for me?  No.  Divorce is not easy, especially when children are involved.  However, I am here to tell you that it is much better to be alone and happy than suffer in silence.  I knew for my sake and for Cole's life, I had to leave this abusive relationship.  Do I still have regrets from this seven year marriage?  Who's to say I won't look back when I am on my deathbed and say I am sorry to my ex-husband.  However, in this lifetime, it is never going to happen, simply because it is out of my power to say I am sorry to that jerk.  Did I grow and learn from that relationship?  Of course I did.  My first marriage taught me what to look for in a husband, lover, and great father for Cole.  I can write this blog post with sincerity knowing that if I was still married to my first husband, I may not be alive.

     I knew in my heart on September 23, 2004, my marriage was over.  This date stands out so clearly to me, simply because this was the day my Nanny Comp died.  Nanny Comp's life, legacy, and love lives on in me, Cole, my brother, his children, and my parents.  Again, I will get back to the topic of depression, but I cherish my memories of my Nanny and Granddaddy.  Nanny and Granddaddy gave me a life that wasn't about the "stuff at Christmas".  Nanny and Granddaddy were always there for me, even if it meant just coming to see me sing for three minutes at a twice yearly voice recital at Eastfield College.  I credit my mom's parents, Roy and Ethilen Compton, for giving my mom the life that I have.  They adopted my mom at the young age of two weeks old when they were 36 years old.  My grandparents were considered "old parents" back then-- 1944, but by today's standards, I think it's pretty normal.  The best decision Nanny and Granddaddy made was to adopt my mom and give her a life that she would not have had, otherwise.  I also credit my "Granny B." for giving my mom up for adoption, simply because this was the most selfless act a mom can do-- put her child's needs before her own.  Roy and Ethilen's spirit is what gets me through those dark times.  The memories I have will always comfort me when I think I can't go on any more.  I have never tried to actually commit suicide, but I can say I have called the suicide hotline number once.  I am putting this out there to let you know depression can hurt, but you can get through your darkest times.  I know because I have been there.  The phone number can be googled if you need it, but I don't want to google "Suicide Hotline" right before Christmas, simply because I am in a great place in my life!

     I also received much needed help from a school district that I was working in when I was at my lowest.  I was working twenty hour days, suffering in silence, "Why wasn't I the best choir teacher?", only to realize that I had friends at my new place of work.  I credit those friends for saving me, helping me get to a safe place in my life, and showing me that teaching isn't a job, it is a way of life.  Sarah, Christina, Carrie, Brandon, Kathleen, and Raquel, thank you for helping me get through those times at that school.  You may never know how much of an impact you had on me at that time, but I credit you for saving my life.  I would have never known about Teacher's AFT if it hadn't been for you all.  AFT was my savior and they were going to be the ones that finally helped me put together the pieces of my adult life.  I was nearly raped at my school by a middle school aged boy, simply because I was too nice of a teacher.  AFT fought for me, had my back every step of the way, and gave me a name to call if I needed to talk to anyone.  That name was Susan and she has been my go-to counselor ever since.  I can say that if Dallas I.S.D. does get one thing right, they provide help when it is much needed to their teachers.  Because of this help, I was able to move on past my prior life, talk out my demons to Susan (ex-demons = ex-husband), and move on with my life.  I was dating my now husband at the time, but I knew I was never going to get married until I addressed that skeleton in my closet-- my past.  

     I am blessed to say that because of the help I received from Susan, I no longer suffer in silence.  The best thing you can do if you suffer from depression is speak up.  Don't hold your emotions inside of you and bury it deep down within your soul, thinking it will go away.  That feeling of emptiness never leaves you until you tell someone.  I would not have the life I have today with my amazing husband and son if I had not reached out to Susan.  Yes, there are days that I do feel 90 years old simply because I do too much for others.  However, God put me on this Earth to do good.  I want to leave this world and say, yes it's a better place because I am in it. Depression is a silent killer and shouldn't be.  Robin Williams is now free of his demons and I am so glad he is finally at peace.

     We shouldn't have to lose one more amazing soul, simply because people don't know who to turn to.  Love your family, tell your friends you love them every day, because you secretly don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  That beautiful white picket fence family may be the one that needs to hear it the most:  "I love you son.  You are brave, wise, smart, and the best son I could have ever asked for."  I was one of the lucky ones who had a ton of support.  There may be other kids and adults that aren't as lucky.  Tell them you love them, give them a hug, but most of all, be that person who is there for them.  God gives us one life.  Use your life and inspire others to strive for greatness.  You never know who needs to hear, "I love you".  Merry Christmas, happy new year, and may you all have a terrific, healthy, and prosperous 2015!

Music in the Contained Special Education Classroom

Music in the Special Education Classroom

     I credit my education from SMU, Meadows School of the Arts with my ability to think quickly on my feet.  I also credit four professors from SMU that I had in particular that helped me decide I could be a great music teacher, if just given the chance.  Professor Barbara Hill-Moore, Dr. Carol Reynolds, Professor Constantina Tsoulainou "Mrs. T.", and Dr. Donna Mayer-Martin challenged me to be a better musician, human being, and educator.  They helped me thrive at Meadows and helped shape me as a musician and teacher.  Without these amazing women, I don't think I would be the kind of teacher I am today:  hard-working, over-prepared, understanding with all students, and the guts to think outside the box and implement what I want to do in terms of teaching music.  I had two professors in particular who will remain nameless that have doctorates in Music Education.  These two professors sucked.  They changed the face of Music Education at SMU and one is no longer a teacher at Meadows.  I am happy to say that because of these two women-- yes, they are women-- I knew how NOT to treat students or people.  More teachers like Professor Moore, Dr. Reynolds, Mrs. "T.", and Dr. Mayer-Martin need to be applauded for their work that lives in their students.  Unfortunately, Dr. Mayer-Martin is no longer with us, but her memory, her brash personality, and keen sense of awareness and understanding is what lives on in me and many of her former students.  The reason I write this paragraph is to thank these awesome professors who helped me decide that I wanted to teach music and be great at it.  I am not a great teacher yet, but because of them, I am learning how to be great, one day, one week, and one month at a time.

     I have been volunteering once a week in Cole's contained special education classroom since October, and I love it!  I teach over an hour worth of music.  I learned from the first week that I needed to simplify my lesson plans, as I should have known the beginning of music (Baroque period) would have totally put them to sleep.  The good thing I have learned that it is much better to be over-prepared, than under-prepared.  I have witnessed some bad teaching and what I have learned is KNOW YOUR MATERIAL.  I was flabbergasted when I attended a class at a local college recently and the professor wasn't prepared.  The professor rambled, read the material from a computer, didn't have handouts, and was completely off topic.  I learned early in life that it is always better to be over-prepared than to look like a deer with headlights staring straight back at you.  I credit my strong education early on from my teachers at Lakewood Elementary (Cynthia Bell and Lilli Grant) for preparing me to become a teacher and lover of knowledge.  I did not know that I was going to be a teacher, as I always envisioned myself as making it as a star in movies and on Broadway.  I am thankful for great teachers, as this is such a hard profession.  I now thank God every day for GREAT special education teachers, as they are the true heroes in life each and every day.  We are blessed to have a great Special Education teacher, incredible staff, and fabulous aides who give so much to their students.  I didn't think I would ever enjoy teaching, but because of Cole's teachers this year, I love teaching.

     I was given a unique opportunity to volunteer to teach music in Cole's class twice a week (actually every day!) from Cole's Special Education teacher, Ms. Tricia Tamayo.  Due to unforseen circumstances and Cole's love for his "type of music", my husband and I thought it was best for Cole not to continue on in choir after the first six weeks.  He tried choir for eight weeks and we commended him for his amazing effort.  I pushed Cole too hard into trying to like choir, but after I analyzed what he didn't like choir, it made total sense.  I know as a former middle school choir director that you have to teach songs that are basically necessary for competition-- meaning "Cantate Domino" and other songs that are not pop songs.  Cole did great (or so I thought), but he didn't like choir.  Hence, this is when God intervened and tapped me on the shoulder.  Cole's teacher asked me specifically would I like to teach music to her class during fourth period because this class, in particular, is over an hour in length.  I jumped at the chance and we started this new adventure on Halloween.  I normally would have said no to this opportunity, simply because of federal and state law that doesn't allow outsiders into a contained special education classroom, but I thought it through and said yes.  I had permission slips written up specifically granting me an opportunity to teach music in the classroom-- something that HAS to be done in the state of Texas, as to not break any laws pertaining to special education.  I don't want to get into any trouble and I sure don't want to get Cole's school or awesome Special Education staff into trouble, simply because of written federal law (Wright's Law).  I have learned how to teach music specifically to this class by understanding how Cole learns.  I watch, educate myself, and know that not one student is alike.

     When I teach music, I started off by creating a spread sheet of what I needed to do in terms of lyrics (words to music).  Once I color coded the words, for example, red =chorus, green = verse, blue = bridge, I felt like I could actually teach special education.  I failed to realize that some of these students don't know how to read.  I am still learning how to teach all students how to read and it is coming along, slowly.  Dyslexia is something that I am not familiar with, but I am slowly understanding what dyslexia is.  The students who have dyslexia show me how to write music for them (the actual notes and not words).  I have been successful by letting them write on paper before we begin class what music looks like to them.  I love their artwork and we put it up in class every week!  I feel I am reaping the rewards far greater from these students than what they are learning from me, simply because they are smart, talented, love music, and love life.  The next thing I do in terms of teaching music to this class is I let them tell me what they like to listen to.  I prepare a CD of different types of music (we have listened to and learned Haydn's Sonata 92, Michael Jackson's "Bad", Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons "Sherry, Big Girls Don't Cry, and Walk Like a Man" and many other songs from the 1950's and 1960's.  I have at least six to nine songs prepared for each class, as I don't want to run out of material.  The reward at the end of the class is like a "talent show".  Cole will perform his Jersey Boys medley and one other student likes to perform anything Michael Jackson.  We all love this part, as performing is my favorite aspect of music.  We have danced, shaked, and shimmied our way into the history books (or so I would like to think!), simply because these kids are learning about music that otherwise would not have been taught to them, simply because they are in special education.  I don't think I am doing a great job, but I am learning, implementing ways to think outside the box to teach these students about music, and I am loving this unique experience.  I am thankful for great teachers, but most of all, I am thankful to have this awesome learning experience to share with T.M.E.A. as a featured clinician in February in San Antonio.  I have always believed things happen for a reason.  This opportunity happened because I believe music should be taught in school, not just as an elective in middle or high school, but as a tool to learn about life.  I will write more in the coming months, but know I haven't forgotten about you!  I am just so happy that I am staying busy and out of trouble (last year's problems at Cole's former school).  Happy early Thanksgiving and the next time I write another post, I will officially have a teenager in my house!  Happy early 13th birthday Cole and we love you, Mom and Dad

I Am The Proudest Mom In the WORLD!!!!!!!!

I Am The Proudest Mom in the WORLD!!!!

     I am crying tears of joy for my amazing son, Cole, simply because he really is a rock star in the making!  I push him to be independent and always look for the positive, even if there are times where he isn't having a great day.  Today I found out that Cole's amazing picture that he entered in our local school district's competition, "Reflections", is moving onto the District level!  Cole has entered this program the past three years in the Special Artist category.  This category was created by the National PTA to showcase students talents, specifically through special education.  Any student who has an I.E.P. or a detailed 504 (language for special education services), qualifies them for the special artist category.  Cole's first picture he entered two years ago won and went onto State competition.  Last year, he entered the Visual Arts category and it didn't advance onto District competition (even though it was in the top 40%).  Don't give up on your child, because you may not know down the road what they are capable of doing.  I write this paragraph with such honor, respect, love, and true conviction that I could not be prouder of Cole!  He is a superstar in so many ways, but today, Cole proves himself once again to this cruel world that he is important, he contributes to society in a positive way, and loves life.  I love you Cole!

      There are so many children that don't have parents like me.  I am in no way bragging about my parenting skills or lack there of by other parents.  My husband and I agreed early on that we would co-parent and love Cole to the best of our abilities.  Sometimes, we can get frustrated with Cole, each other, but we know before we go to bed that we love God, we put Him first, and once we pray, our lives are transformed.  We have a great life and I believe it's because we pray every morning and every night together as a couple.  I know I have stated in some earlier blog posts that I have a strong faith and that I believe in God.  I don't preach to the masses, but in the end, if you don't believe in a Higher Being, you are at a loss.  I have been told many times that without blind faith, there is no reason for living.  I live by faith, my trust in God, and knowing that when I die, it will be okay because God will be waiting for me (I hope!).  There have been times in my life that I can get overwhelmed with just life, so I do yoga, exercise nearly every day, and fall on my knees in prayer when I feel like giving up.  God, as I have always said, has always been there for me, even when I questioned God.  I have questioned my faith at times, wondering if there really is a God, because I had some great professors in college challenge me and my classmates to what we believe and what we actually know about God.  I am now confident that there is a God and that he gave us His Son, Jesus, to take away our sins.  I only pray one day that when I do die, Cole will feel fulfilled and rewarded in life to continue on without me and my husband.  Cole is smart, sensitive, caring, but most of all, the most incredible human being I have ever known.  My kid is a Reflection of what can be-- living, thriving, succeeding, and loving life as a person that has autism.  Autism does NOT define Cole; Cole defines his life and the way he leads his life, simply because that's how it should be.  I don't limit Cole in his thinking, because I do truly believe he is going to be the next big hit like Jimmy Fallon and the Roots (that's what he wants to do with his life).  Cole can be a stand up comedy host, he can sing, he can dance, and he lives his life to the fullest.  Today, I say CONGRATULATIONS SON!  I couldn't be more proud of you Cole Roy!

My Health and Cole's Education

My Health and Cole's Education 

     My life as a mom never stops.  I have a brief moment to myself that I enjoy, which is yoga.  I love being a mom and a wife, but at times, it can be down-right exhausting.  I don't always have the best of health, which deters from daily living, but I try to always go about my day and enjoy every minute, even if I am in tremendous pain.  I strive to always do my best, but sometimes my best is just not good enough for even me.  If this is too personal, skip this paragraph because it's about my personal health.  I have suffered from horrendous menstrual cramps since I was 14 years old.  I had to miss days from school in high school because of this problem.  I also suffer from ovarian cysts.  I have had two surgeries to remove ovarian cysts, which is not fun.  My cramps are so bad that I can't get out of bed.  I am lucky that I can get up in the morning, make breakfast and lunch for Cole, only to get back into bed because of this problem.  I changed doctors two years ago and this was the best decision I ever made!  She is terrific.  She understands me, simply because she is a wonderful doctor and friend.  The best advice I can give you if you are a woman, see a woman gynocologist.  I still suffer from cramps, but hopefully next month will be better because I have a new pain medication (plus back on the pill).  

     The reason I am writing this next paragraph is because I need to get this out there.  Some people shouldn't be parents.  There are other couples that would make terrific parents, but were unable to conceive or had the money to adopt.  Adoption is very expensive and even if you are middle-class family, this is one option that just may not be affordable to many.  I would love to have a child with my husband, but this may not happen, due to my health and age (40).  I am fortunate that I have an incredible son and the most loving husband who adopted Cole.  Their love for one another is something that you just can't put into words.  I would love to have a baby with my husband, simply because it's the greatest gift God gives us.  However, I am extremely blessed to have a child.  So many people can't have children, which to me, is so sad.  I know three couples that would make great parents right now, but due to unforeseen life circumstances they are unable to conceive.  The best advice I can give to parents is BE A PARENT.  BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD.  

     I have been blessed to have created the Bebop Girls and Cole Warren and the Jambox Boys out of love for Cole and music.  This phenomenon that has taken place in our house the past three years is a gift from God.  I have had over at least twenty kids at our house the past three years and I have witnessed bad behavior, insecure behavior, and good behavior.  There is one kid that is in one of the groups (I will not name them, simply because it's rude), that is downright insecure, rude, and disrespectful.  The parents on the outside look okay, but I know if you went behind closed doors, you would see something totally different.  I have put up with this child's behavior for a long time, simply because I feel he needs this group so much.  I have been on this child's case for a long time about how to behave and the others have gotten on to him as well, but I am done with the sass, attitude, and talking back.  He is gone.  I am not paid by the parents to run these groups, "Cole Warren and the Jambox Boys" or the "Bebop Girls".  I started these groups out of love for Cole and I can end them as soon as they started.  

     The "Bebop Girls" are getting really good and they are wonderful girls.  I couldn't ask for more from them!  The original girls from the group are so busy that we had to add new faces.  I didn't kick the original girls out, but we kept going, simply because they have gotten really good (and Cole loves them all)!  I am blessed by all of the girls and boys that are in the Jambox Boys and Bebop Girls, simply because I think it teaches them that different is okay. Just yesterday, we were at 7-11 (me, Cole, and 3 Bebop Girls) and out of nowhere, Cole starts a normal conversation with a dad and his two year old son, Logan.  "Hi!  My name is Cole.  What's yours?"  This is something that I have dreamed about for 12 years.  Turns out, the dad knew Cole has autism because he babysat a boy when he was a junior in high school that had autism.  His best friend has autism and they were classmates at McKinney High School.  To this day, they are still best of friends.  Life hands you lemons, so you make lemonade out of it.  Yesterday, I witnessed an amazing life event.  Cole knew what to say, how to socialize with his friends at 7-11 and Starbucks, and then headed off with confidence to my high school homecoming's football game.  Again, if you have a child on the autism spectrum, there is hope.  Don't give up!  Be that parent who goes above and beyond for your child, even if they don't have a learning difference or disability.

     My new job is exciting!  Cole was in choir at his school the first six weeks and I applaud his teacher for trying to understand him.  He started off the school year great, except in choir.  Cole's teacher and I communicated via email every week and she would give me an update as to how Cole was doing.  I decided to make a personal decision for Cole that he didn't need to be in choir.  Choir is difficult, even if you are not someone that has autism.  I now know it was the right decision because I have been given an opportunity that I was not expecting:  teaching music every week in Cole's special education class during fourth period!  Cole's special education teacher, Tricia Tamayo, is a God-send.  She asked me if I would like to teach music to her class every week, and of course I jumped at the chance!  I am a bit nervous, but I know it will be a great experience, as it will help me create a working foundation for my workshop I am presenting in February at the annual TMEA convention, "Special Education, Music, and Technology".  I hope to eventually create a curriculum based on current music, the technology that is out there for music, and make sure ALL KIDS that have an I.E.P. or 504 receive music in their class in the state of Texas.  This is no small feat, but I have never been one to shy away from a challenge.  For now, this is the best I can do:  give my son and his classmates the best music education money can't buy.  I am so excited and I will keep you updated with this new endeavor!

     Have a wonderful weekend, enjoy your life, but most of all, be present.  You never know what life has in store for you, but if you give it all you have, in the end, you will have no regrets.  I know I don't have any regrets when it comes to my professional or personal life.  Learn from your mistakes, grow from those mistakes so you don't do them again, and love yourself.  Be kind to one another, but most of all, enjoy the moment!

 

It's the End of the World! (Not really)

It's the End of the World!  (Not really)

     I have noticed recently that many people think it's the end of the world, simply because Ebola has hit our beloved Dallas, TX.  I have read multiple comments on Facebook that are very judgmental, condescending, flat out rude and incredibly stupid.  I pride myself on being an optimist, but I tell you, this Ebola scare had me just a little worried.  I am not going to lie; the media does a pretty darn good job of scaring people into believing something that should be recognized as news.  However, I try to read the facts, stick to the truth, and then move on with my daily life.  I have read so many comments over the years about vaccines causing autism, which to me, is a myth.  There is no scientific proof that vaccines cause autism-- this is one of my pet peeves.  People can read just a little snippet of "news" and then jump to the conclusion because it is reported by a "reputable" news outlet, such as CNN, Fox News, or CNBC.  I, for one, would like to challenge all news media outlets, including Facebook, to write one story about a boy who is the light of my life:  Cole.  I have been in contact with our local news, WFAA (Channel 8), for nearly two years now and they have wanted to do a story about Cole, how music changed his life, and how he found his voice through the Jersey Boys.  For once in my life, I would like to turn on the television and see my son singing "Walk Like a Man" with his best friends.  I am still waiting for the news crew to come out and video tape him and present his story as a human interest piece titled "Living with Autism and Succeeding in Life!".  

     I pray for the day (if it ever comes) that our news media can stop the wet media.  This term means (as told to me by Andrea Mitchell) the media presents the news in a way that grabs hold of you and can make you cry on any given day.  I swear when I turn on the television every morning, I immediately switch the channel to PBS or Nickelodeon (even before Cole gets up from school), if there is nothing news worthy in my book to start off my day right.  I know if I leave the channel on ABC, NBC, or even Fox, my day doesn't start great.  I get it that everyone is trying to be number one in the ratings.  I would love to see every day a human interest piece about something great someone has done.  I only read the newspaper on Sundays because I don't want to ruin my week by reading about killings, rapes, deaths or the latest war we are in.  Life can be difficult, but with a little help from positive forces of nature, we all would be in a better state of mind.  I lean on my faith in God, which helps me every day, even if it's just a simple task like doing laundry.  I pray that everyone in my life has great days, as their attitude rolls over into my life.  I am truly blessed by God that I have an extremely smiling and happy husband who always knows how to encourage me to be my best each and every day!  We pray every day, which I think, is something that always starts our day off right-- even if he is already at work.  I have a son that is the light of my life.  Cole brings me so much joy, that it is hard to stay in a bad mood when he is around.  I may be exhausted from having a crazy week (sleep is not my friend sometimes), but I never give in to not feeling good about my life.  I have learned so much by staying positive, leaning on God, and listening to my inner voice.  I have made personal decisions in my life that didn't always pay off, but I know living a life that pleases God is all that matters.

     I hope that by writing this blog, you take a little bit of sunshine from it!  I had a man tell me today that I was a ray of sunshine in his life.  I had no idea just a smile would make his day a happy one.  Remember, you never know what someone is going through.  A smile is free, but means so much to people.  I love my son, his teachers, but most of all, I love his contagious and positive personality.  Cole is simply amazing and I am blessed every day to call him my son!  

Middle school and transitions

Middle School and Transitions

     I have learned a lot about my awesome son in the past thirteen years.  The reason I say thirteen is I count my pregnancy as nine months of Cole's life.  Cole has been my number one inspiration for writing this blog, because he is truly the most amazing person I have ever known (besides my indispensable husband)!  Cole inspires me to let go when I need to cut that mom apron string.  Cole is now in middle school, and whether I like it or not, he is growing up.  I thought autism would always be a deterrent for Cole to be completely independent, but as I am quickly finding out, Cole is going to do what he wants to do, independently, without me.  Does this make me sad?  Not one bit!  I feel like gaining his independence early in life is only going to help him achieve his dream of becoming a professional worker bee in the current world we live in.  Do I dream of a day that I want my son to go to college, have a girlfriend, and marry the woman of his dreams?  Absolutely.  However, I do have that minimal fear that Cole is not going to grow up as other people would expect him to be.  I always have that little voice in the back of my head, saying, "Erika, you know Cole is always going to live with you until he dies.  Autism is just that way."  That voice is slowly being hushed, simply because I want my son to have the same life every other kid has-- friends, sleepovers, dates, and dances.  Life is changing and I am adapting to this reality.  My son is growing up into an amazing young man, and his progress is simply incredible.  I may be one of those moms that tries too hard to give my son a "normal" life, but if I don't let go of my insecurities, he is not going to benefit from what all life has to offer.

     I encouraged Cole to attend his first middle school dance last Friday and really didn't give him an option to not go!  The minute I received that first PTA email that said there was going to be a dance the second week of school, I marked the date on every single calendar in our house!  I was always pretty excited about going to dances when I was in middle school and high school, so I thought my enthusiasm would trickle over to Cole.  He slowly warmed up to the idea about it, and before I knew it, he bought his ticket the first day (maybe because I was the first person to be selling them at his school) to attend his dance.  Little did I know, was I in for a big surprise!  He wanted to take a date.  Thank goodness, after getting confirmation from others, this was a group dance-- no dates.  Cole is quite the lady's man-- no joke.  He loves girls, he loves his friends, but most of all, he loves his social calendar.  We are beyond blessed that all of his best friends (minus one that I was able to get into the dance) all attend the same junior high.  They have been constant friends since first grade and I don't know what I would do without these friends for Cole.  Not only do they look out for Cole, they include him in EVERYTHING.  He loves his boys, but most of all, he loves life.  I wish I could store up his energy and use it for myself, simply because Cole is full of happy, positive energy.  Fast forward to the night of the dance and of course, Cole is the first one in the middle of the dance floor, with his friends surrounding him in a circle hollering, "Go Cole!".  Does this make me happy?  Beyond words. 
     I wish I could say Cole made these friends all by himself without my help, but because of the generous nature of music (hence, the Jambox Boys are Cole's best friends), he has this life.  I listened to Cole, asked him what he wanted, and he said I want a Jersey Boys Band and I am going to be the lead singer.  This truly amazing gift Cole has is literally an angelic voice, courtesy of Frankie Valli.  I owe the musical, "Jersey Boys", a huge thank you for finding my son.  Cole's love of music, singing, and performing is something that I have not taught him.  He doesn't want me to sing, much less teach him HIS songs!  However, I am finding out, he will listen to me when I become the choir teacher.  He watches, observes, mimics a lot, and talks when he's not supposed to talk, but only four years ago, this was not a reality.  Talking slowly came, courtesy of "Jersey Boys."  I have nothing more to say than music is a powerful tool to reach so many people in this world.  Cole was barely eight years old when he finally started to talk.  I will never forget that day and I am grateful for YouTube, music, and the "Jersey Boys.".  I would have never guessed in a million years music was going to be Cole's breakthrough.  I had trained as an opera singer with the best-- Joan Tallis, Kathleen Terbek, John De Haan, Martha Gherhardt, and the incredible Barbara Hill-Moore.  I don't think I could have possibly imagined them telling me I could have done anything different in terms of Cole's training.  He is truly a gift from God and I am thankful each and every day for music.

     I will write more later, but my son, who is growing into an amazing young man will turn thirteen years old in November.  Do I feel old?  Sometimes I do.  I am 40 years old, happy with my life, and beyond happy my son has an amazing school, amazing principals, and fabulous teachers.  We didn't have a great principal last year; however, this year, Cole is going to reach for the stars simply because Principal Bennett, Assistant Principal Bert, and Assistant Principal McClennan, are helping Cole feel happy, safe, and secure.  Thank you Forest Meadow Junior High School for saving my son, giving him awesome opportunities to grow and mature, and for giving him a safe home.  This is why I am so happy-- happy life = happy child.  Thank you, God, for all you have given us!

Unexpected Change: Dedicated to Coach Armelia King

Unexpected Change:  Dedicated to Coach Armelia King

     I would only assume change was bound to happen when entering a new and different school.  However, the unexpected change for a child with autism can cause emotional turmoil and expected melt-downs.  Obviously, since I am writing about this topic today, we experienced unexpected change yesterday in both of our lives.  Cole had an emotional meltdown at his new school yesterday because of unexpected change.  My meltdown would soon follow.  I say this, simply because I am human.  You can only prepare your child and yourself for change when you know it is coming.  That being said, it is never easy when you think something is set in stone (a legal document, plus endless meetings this past year), and then it is completely wrong.  I was flabbergasted (if this is even a word!) when I received Cole's schedule for middle school yesterday.  Cole had a schedule that was full of general education classes, one Pre-AP math class, and eight different teachers.  The big change, however, was when we were told that the special education teacher had left.  They hired a new teacher yesterday and she didn't even have an email address, because she was that new!  I was in utter shock; however after meeting with the new teacher and aides, I feel like she is a very good teacher, as well as the aides, who will nurture Cole and help him succeed in and out of the classroom.  I know special education teachers leave the profession at alarming rates in Richardson I.S.D. (they have the second highest turn-over rate in the state of Texas), but we had no notice.  For many parents and guardians, this won't bother them, simply because they are not an advocate for their child.  I may be a helicopter parent, but we now have the correct classes, correct teachers, and a great school year set up for Cole.  I feel I am always advocating for change, not just because of Cole, but for all students.  School starts on Monday and I received a number of emails and phone calls within a 24 hour period, simply because I feel like I handled this situation professionally.  I emailed, documented Cole's accommodations, and went back to school to make sure we were on the same page.  By the time we showed up today at 2 p.m. (me, Cole, and my husband), I had received a phone call from the head of special education at Forest Meadow.  She told me Cole's schedule had been changed and explained in detail why it looked so bad.  Dr. Westone and the entire special education staff at Forest Meadow is phenomenal.  They get it.  They are going to take care of Cole and I am looking forward to this school year, simply because this change was needed (school).  

     I was not expecting what happened next:  my hero, mentor, best coach, and second mom had died.  She had gained her wings into heaven.  I was at a loss for words, so this blog post today is dedicated to the woman who inspired me to be a middle school teacher.  Coach Armelia King, as you have read, is the main reason I wanted to teach middle school.  She was my protector, a leader, but most of all my voice when I was silenced.  I knew she did not have much longer, as she was taken off hospice this past Wednesday.  I really don't think it was a coincidence that I was with Cole and five of his best friends when I received the news.  I couldn't sleep (which was okay because they stayed up until 4:30 a.m.!), I was a mess at the movies for about 15 minutes, but I held it together, simply because I didn't want them to see me crying.  I am devastated by this loss, simply because another one of my family members is gone.  Coach King was more than a Coach and teacher:  she was my second mom when my mom was dying.  Because of this woman, she helped me succeed in life, she gave me comfort when I needed it the most, and she always pushed me to be the best.  Mamma was stubborn, always told us as a team what she expected out of us, and she never gave up on us.  She was my friend and I am going to miss her terribly.  Mamma was sick for the past few years and I have seen her suffer.  I hate death, but when a person is sick and can't get better, I have always felt it is better for them to go to Heaven.  I have loved and lost.  My granddaddy died in 1994 and he suffered an entire year with Alzheimer's.  I loved him so much, but when he got sick, it was time for him to meet God.  Ten years later, his wife and my beloved Nanny Comp would join him.  To me, death is a better alternative for those when they can't get better.  These amazing, wonderful, and loving people are now in Heaven.  I feel Heaven is a better place because of them.  I have met some amazing people in my life, who are like family.  However, these three people, along with Mattie Bess Pou, Dave Marr, Charlie and Mac Cullum, shaped me into the woman I am today.  I miss all of these loved ones, and when my time comes, I hope I can leave a positive, lasting impression on others like they did on my life.  

     Coach King is like an idol to me.  She scared me when I first met her!  I remember entering the halls of J.L. Long Middle School and wondering who this intimidating woman was.  She carried herself in a way that I had never seen:  she looked me in the eye in my very first class, first period, 7th grade science, and asked me directly, "Young lady, why do you think your conversation is more important than mine?  Please share with the class what you are talking about, because it seems you think your conversation is more important than mine."  I had been called out already!  I always have had a problem with talking in class, but this woman had called me out on the first day of school.  To my horror, she was also going to be my very first volleyball coach (first sport of the school year).  I showed up for practice, ready to play volleyball.  She looked at me and said, "You really think you can play volleyball?  Look around.  You are one of three white girls.  I know Nicole can play because she's my captain.  You better show up.  That's all I have to say."  These words, along with her daughter, Dottie, inspired me to be the best volleyball player in 7th grade.  I was the only 7th grade starter in every single sport, and I know it was because I was out to prove myself to Coach King.  I made a name for myself at J.L. Long, simply because I wanted to be best at everything.  I think my perseverance, hard work, determination, and pure grit is why Coach came to love me.  Mamma loved all of her girls, but I feel I will always share that special bond with her, simply because she made me feel like one of her own.

     Coach Armelia King should be celebrated!  Her life was an inspiration to thousands of students in Dallas Independent School District.  Celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and even the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, should have met Coach.  Coach would have shaped these terrible role models into something that is hard to come by:  fame without wanting recognition.  I try not to hate, but I feel celebrities should not earn money (millions of dollars) for just for being famous.  Fame stinks.  Teachers should receive millions of dollars for their countless hours trying to shape children and teaching young adults that contribute to society in a positive way.  Teachers aren't paid crap.  We have long hours, devote our time to our students, give them hope when they may not receive it at home, and we love our students unconditionally.  I speak for the good teachers.  Yes, there may be a few bad apples and teachers, but for the most part, teachers don't go into this profession seeking fame or fortune.  At the end of the day, I can't turn my mind off school.  I am not teaching in a school district, but when I did, I tried to love each student like my own.  My family suffered because of the incredibly long hours, and I know I am not the only one that puts their students first, family second.  This is what Coach Armelia King did for me.  She put me first.  She loved me unconditionally and gave me hope when my mom, Gwyn Kelley, had stage three breast cancer.  I credit Coach King for saving me from this really hard time in my life.  Twenty eight years later, my mom, Gwyn Kelley, is still here on Earth.  I am so thankful that I had Coach King in my life for nearly thirty years.  Coach King gave me a foundation that was stable, told me to stand up for what was right, and she pushed me to be the best in life.  Her memory and legacy will live on through me until I die.  Hug your family, tell them you love them, because you never know what each day brings.

     I have had some okay teachers, good teachers, great teachers, and then those teachers that have left a mark on my life.  Coach King, Jack Mattingly, Arnold Young, Lilli Grant, Buster Cooper, and Cynthia Bell were those teachers that inspired me to be a great person. They changed my life.  Cynthia Bell is still here on Earth, but all these amazing teachers are in Heaven.  Heaven is such a better place, simply because they are there.  I am still in shock, saddened that I have lost my second mamma, but I am at peace knowing she earned her wings into Heaven yesterday.  "I'll fly away old glory, I'll fly away.  When I die, halleluiah by and by, I'll fly away."  I love you Mamma and I am going to miss you so much.  

Expectations and Technology

Expectations and Technology

     I have come to the realization that I can second guess myself, which may not be a bad thing!  I feel, at times, that this blog is only a reflection of part of me, Cole, and my wonderful husband.  I am truly blessed to be loved by these two wonderful men in my life and I thank God each and every day for them!  I also realize that my blog is not really reaching out to as many as I thought.  I read just last night on a friend's post on Facebook that there are so many people that "live" through Facebook.  That is not living.  Unfortunately, there are so many people in today's world that are living through their technology and not making that personal connection, via face to face in person or actually talking on the telephone.  To me, this is sad.  I made such wonderful friends growing up and I know it was because I talked to them in person on the playground and in the classroom.  I don't expect much these days from adults my age or younger, simply because today's world is all about technology, who is "popular" when it comes to friendship via Facebook, LinkedIn, or Instagram.  However, I do expect the courtesy email or text to let me know that they can't keep an appointment.  My stark realization is now clear to me, which totally sucks on my end:  technology has replaced the actual form of conversation and I don't like it.  My expectation is now being shifted to, "What can I do to stay in the loop via technology?".   My son and his all of his friends are now using technology, via text, Instagram, KIK accounts, and Facebook to talk to each other.  Do I like this?  No.  However, to keep up with "going on's" in Cole's life and his friends, I must keep up with the latest technology, just to make sure these kids stay safe and know to how to interact with each other.  The art of conversation is now lost, simply because of technology.

     My expectations have now become a reality, simply because my music proposal "Technology and Education:  Educating the student with Special Needs" was picked for next year's T.M.E.A. annual convention.  I submitted two proposals, but the proposal that was picked has to do with technology.  I am really excited about this opportunity to educate thousands (20,000+ people attend this yearly convention) in the field of technology and music, but my main goal was to reach teachers and administrators.  I only pray my presentation is insightful, full of knowledge that has not been presented, and how to reach the population about students who have learning and physical disabilities.  I anxiously have been waiting since June 1st (this is when all proposals were due) to see if I would actually get picked.  I initially thought I would be notified by email on August 1st.  After much digging on T.M.E.A.'s website (again, hence technology rearing it's ugly head), I found what I was looking for:  each person that submitted a proposal would be notified via email, starting August 15th.  My heart raced, I kept checking my email every hour on August 15th.  Wouldn't you know it, I would receive that confirmation email that said my proposal was picked the following day, August 16th, when I was away from my computer!  I am grateful for technology, simply because it has given so many people a voice that don't have one.  

     Educating one person at a time is my mantra, but if you can educate thousands, why not go for it?  I am forty years old and I can clearly remember when I was in the sixth grade, there was a boy in my class that had a learning disability (dyslexia).  He was so sweet and turned out to be one of my very best friends (he thought I was his girlfriend!).  I remember him to be a gentle soul, very tall, and would ask me for help in class.  I didn't know he had dyslexia until he told me on Valentine's Day.  He gave me a card that said on the inside "Would you be my girls friends?".  He personally wrote this, so naturally I thought, am I going to have to share him with other girls?  I was not into boys, except to play basketball and football with them, but I was a little confused by what he had written.  I am now learning that dyslexia is not a form of reading words and letters backwards, but that it is something much more complex.  My friend, Lyn Pollard, can educate you fully on what dyslexia is.  I do know that if my boyfriend in sixth grade would have been granted materials in our classroom that helped him learn his way, he would have aced 6th grade with flying colors!  We did attend the same middle school, but didn't have any classes together.  He was a gentle soul and this would be my first experience into learning about people who have learning disabilities.  Fast forward 28 years later, I now know that each child should be given the BEST education one is offered, thanks to the Wright Law.

     Technology is a double-edged sword for me.  I love to write, but I have been doing a lot more writing via computer (blogging), which in some ways, is cathartic.  Cole has taught himself how to learn music via YouTube and other computer apps made available on a computer or iPad, simply because technology is now common in school and the workplace.  My son may not have found his voice, if it hadn't been for YouTube.  I have worked so hard to give Cole a voice:  private speech therapy since the age of four on a weekly basis, his own band "Cole Warren and the Jambox Boys and Bebop Girls", and a home filled with family and friends on a weekly basis.  My first job in life is to be the best mom and wife to Cole and my wonderful, supporting husband.  My second job in life is to educate millions.  I would like all people to know and understand what it's like to live on a daily basis with a child (nearly a teenager) who has autism.  This statement is reality:  I don't think this is selfish at all, but what so many people don't realize is that as a parent, we have to keep thinking ahead and see what we can do to offer Cole to keep his mind active.  Also, my husband and I are products of environment.  My husband and I are blessed to have had top-notch educations from private school and colleges that afford us the comforts of our home that realistically, may not be true for Cole.  Cole may be able to attend a community college and hopefully a state school that provides programs for adults that have autism.  I plan on using my story and Cole's life as an example of how life is in our household.  Music is a part of both of us.  I never expected to be a presenter at T.M.E.A., however,  I am thrilled to expose teachers, educators, parents, and administrators to life, music, and autism.  I really didn't expect my T.M.E.A. proposal to be picked.  I have always been told it takes two to three times to submit a proposal for it to be picked.  I guess I am one of the few that has experience in education, technology, music, and teaching on a daily basis, simply because I have a child that has autism.  I will always pursue excellence and expect nothing short of perfection when it comes to educating our population, even if it's via technology.  I would love to leave this world a better place, simply because I have taught and educated people about living with autism.  I think I am on my way!

Perfectionism: Does It Exist?

Perfectionism:  Does It Exist?

     I have racked my brain over this subject many times, and I think I suffer from that word:  perfectionism.  I have always strived to be the best in everything I do, and it catches up to me quite a bit.  I look in the mirror every day and question my ability to be the thinnest, look the fittest, and have that look that says I take care of myself physically.  I have always had a problem with my weight (or so I thought) since middle school.  I remember when it was the summer of 1987 and I wore my first bikini to the beach-- Galveston Island.  I shopped that entire summer before the Fourth of July to find the "perfect" bikini.  I can still remember that bikini like it was yesterday:  pink, with black leaves and palm trees.  I had purchased my first bikini at Clothestime, my favorite store from 1986-1993, and I would hold onto this beloved swimsuit until it faded and nearly fell apart my senior year of high school!  I hate to admit this, but I am a perfectionist.  I now realize, though, that you can't get back time.  I am 40 years old, I am obese (but in great physical condition because I exercise four to five times a week), and I have a terrific life, simply because I now choose to live in the moment.

     I am writing this post today because the summer is slowly coming to an end, and I am apprehensive about the start of school.  The main thing I am so thankful for is a new school for Cole, a fresh start and clean slate for not only Cole, but for me as well.  I know I really stirred things up at Merriman Park Elementary last year, simply because I expected and demanded what Cole was entitled to:  a very challenging education, teachers that understood Cole and helped him to be his best, and a school that was free of bullying and bias.  I hate to look back and say, "Oh, I was that parent that caused a lot of problems."  However, I know as a mom and as a teacher, Cole has every opportunity as any kid does in school to be the best he can be.  I have to let go of my anger, move forward, and know that Cole is in good hands at Forest Meadow Junior High.  I get so emotional when I write, simply because I love my son.  Cole has come so far in life, that it just wasn't fair to him to receive a half-ass education last year.  Sixth grade, in my eyes, is a grade that needs to have very effective and responsible teachers, with an administrator leading the way.  I will say it again:  Cole was robbed of his innocence, and I for one, am NOT going to tolerate ineffective administration or teachers this year.  I communicate what I feel, whether it's right or not right in other people's eyes, I am a mom first and I am fierce about being a perfectionist-- especially when it comes to my son's education and his future.  This is why I enjoy being a perfectionist, simply because it causes me to think and react on my feet and not take no for an answer.  I think Katie Kirkpatrick heard my voice loud and clear in Cole's three A.R.D.'s towards the end of the school year, but I pray she doesn't mess up anybody else's potential to have a successful school year at Merriman Park Elementary.  This "Principal" should not have been allowed to continue in administration at Merriman Park Elementary for a second year, simply because she is a lousy Principal who doesn't know special education or gifted law.  I didn't file any complaints to T.E.A., simply because I expect better out of this woman.  However, if I hear of others being neglected because of her ineffective leadership and understanding of how a school should be run, you can believe I will file a complaint with the state.  I lost my trust and faith in Katie Kirkpatrick in October 2013, simply because she did nothing to communicate with me about Cole's bullying and sexual abuse.  She is a coward, a liar, but most of all, the worst type of Principal:  ineffective.  Katie Kirkpatrick was absent from her office, never around to see what was happening at her school, never took the time to say thank you to her amazing teachers, and never returned one email with regards to Cole's bullying.  I had one Principal who I worked for that was the same way, but at least I could leave my job.  Kids and parents can't leave their school (unless they choose to home school, which isn't going to happen), so as a parent, we must stand up to bullies-- even if it's a Principal or an Administrator.

     Perfectionism is a disease.  I suffer from this disease and I always have.  I think there are different types of perfectionism:  a creative type, a "type A" type, an intelligent type, the image conscious type, and a spiritual type.  I would label myself as the creative and image conscious perfectionist.  I have always wanted to be the best singer and always have the perfect body.  As a trained opera singer, one must have the body of goddess, simply because if one doesn't take care of their instrument, the voice suffers.  I have never been the best singer-- always "almost there".  I remember my first audition as a child and I clearly remember at the age of six that I was too pretty to play the youngest Von Trapp daughter, because I didn't have brown hair.  I had to settle for Marta, but I wanted to be the best.  I loved playing Marta in "The Sound of Music", but I wanted to be Gretl, simply because she had the biggest singing part.  I learned then that I had to step up my game to be the best.  I have always loved music, Broadway, and Opera.  I don't really know how to explain this next part, but I will try, simply because this is where I think being a perfectionist is hard to write into any blog.  I longed to be the next "Annie" on Broadway.  I had seen the movie in 1984 and I instantly fell in love with it.  I knew I was going to be the next Aileen Quinn (Annie in the movie), simply because I was a great singer and a pretty good singer.  I had struck gold in the summer of 1984:  Annie was having open auditions at the Dallas Summer Music Hall and I was going to audition!  This one experience changed my life for good and gave me so many incredible opportunities as an adult.  

     I remember singing "Tomorrow" for two straight weeks after my mom had told me about the audition.  I think I pushed my brother over the edge, simply because I was that annoying little sister who never shut up!  I clearly remember getting up every morning at 7 a.m. and putting on my tap shoes, dancing on our little piece of linoleum in the front hallway, and doing this for nearly twelve hours every day.  I couldn't get enough of Annie.  I even made my mom buy me the record album!  Unfortunately, by the time the audition had come, I had HUGE BLISTERS on both feet, making my dancing look awkward.  Honestly, I was shocked when they called my name for a call back.  I thought I had danced like an elephant, trying not to show the pain I was in from my blisters.  From then on, I swore I would never tap dance as hard and long as I had for that one audition!  My singing, according to the counselor at my elementary school (retired opera singer), was very good, but Broadway was a much different venue.  She told me just to sing my heart out and they would love me.  They didn't love me, as I didn't make the final cut of the show.  I was heartbroken.  I took it personally, but I was thankful and grateful for the opportunity it gave me.  I couldn't believe it when they called me at home and left a message on our answering machine that they wanted me.  Unfortunately, we were in Colorado when this happened and they left without me.  The next week, we were headed for Estes Park, Colorado, and I sang all the way there and all the way back.  I can still hear my brother, "Erika, shut up or I am going to throw you out the window".  If Nanny and Granddaddy had not been with us, I really think he would have thrown me out of our Plymouth Volare station wagon in 1984!  I owe my brother a lot-- but especially patience with me.  He put up with my singing until 1992, and I thank him for that.  He is a great big brother, simply because he put up with my singing and my crazy self!  I am forever grateful for those trips that we took with my parents, nanny, and granddaddy.  I don't know if my singing is now tolerable to Shawn, but since we don't live in the same household, I imagine it is bearable to him now.

     I longed to always be on a stage, and I would always sign any type of card, "Erika Kelley.  Someday this autograph is going to be worth a million dollars because I am going to be famous!".  When I was in high school, my perfectionism caught up with me.  I was 15 years old, nearly 16, and I wanted to be bone skinny.  I was on my high school's swim team and I wanted to look like a certain girl, simply because she was a really fast swimmer and had gotten a certain dance part in our musical, "42nd Street".  I don't blame anybody for what I did to my body-- only myself.  I would only eat carrots, celery, ham off my sandwich, and an apple for lunch, because I longed to be that girl who had everything.  I had a boyfriend, but I wouldn't let him see my body, simply because I knew he would tell someone.  I wanted to be that spotlight dancer (hence the perfectionist rears her head here), I wanted to be that next big star on Woodrow Wilson's stage, but I wanted more than that-- I wanted to live in New York and pursue my dream of becoming the next "Annie".  I had seen so many of my friends in high school looking a certain way, so I wanted to look like them too.  I wasn't fat, if you call 5'6" and 120 pounds fat, but I wanted to weigh 100-105 pounds.  Unfortunately, I did manage to get down to 102 pounds.  These days, that doesn't sound so bad, simply because of the image that "stars" portray and live on a daily basis.  However, that being said, I think this is a sick way to live.  I was on a band trip in St. Louis, Missouri, when I started throwing up-- I suffered from bulimia and anorexia.  One of my friends told my band teacher (who I was not a big fan of), that I was sick and needed help.  The reality of passing out at musical practice back home then throwing up in St. Louis made me keenly aware that people were watching me.  I didn't want to admit that I had a problem, but I did.  I knew when I got back home, I needed to do something.  I threw up one last time at school, and three of my closest friends were there when it happened.  I clearly remember not throwing up anything and feeling faint, but I was so dehydrated I couldn't tell anyone.  I am forever grateful to those three friends and one particular mom (my brother's girlfriend's mom) who stayed with me and brought me Jack in the Box eggrolls, simply because I was so hungry and thirsty.  I talked to these friends on a daily basis, and they were the ones that helped me get through this emotional time in my life.  Amanda, Keicee, and Melinda saved my life and I have never told them thank you.  When I stopped throwing up and starving myself, I weighed 102 pounds.  I looked sick and I felt sick, but I was skinny.

     Perfectionism doesn't always serve me well, obviously!  At times, I am thankful for the knowledge on how to take care of myself, but I am also thankful for an incredible support system.  Without unconditional love, I could have headed down a broken and dark road to self-destruction.  Cole is a perfectionist, when it comes to singing, but his God-given gift of looking out for himself is something that simply amazes me.  He has that strong desire that I did to move to New York, become the next Frankie Valli in "Jersey Boys", and to push the button in Times Square on New Year's Eve with Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  Cole practices for hours on end every day, until he thinks he is perfect, then he stops to eat, plays Minecraft, and then resumes his rendition of "Walk Like a Man" until I tell him it's time for bed.  I have always wondered if people that have autism could be perfectionists.  I think my son is a perfectionist, in the creative sense.  I only pray that Cole can achieve what I never could-- okay with being great at home and with his life.  It has taken me forty years to be just "okay" with my life and not being the best at everything.  I wanted to be that star like Aileen Quinn and Sutton Foster.  My time has come and gone (or so I think), but my son is destined for great things.  He truly could be the next Frankie Valli in "Jersey Boys" because he is that good.  Sometimes, I just have to relax, say thank you God for all of the blessings you have bestowed to me and my family, and know that I am a great wife, mom, daughter, and friend.  I am thankful for friendships that span over thirty years, but I am also beyond thankful for having the most amazing family and husband God could have ever given me.  I am one blessed perfectionist!

Sickness and Death: It Sucks

Sickness and Death:  It Sucks

     I don't really know why I write this blog, except it is somewhat cathartic when I experience sadness or heartache.  I am able to write my sadness and tears into an oblivion at times, so please understand that I can get emotional as anyone can when someone I love is gravely ill or dies.  I have learned over the years that as a Christian, it is comforting to know that my loved ones are in Heaven and are always with me.  That being said, I have never liked illness or death.  Who does?  The first time I felt at a loss to convey my feelings except cry was the death of a very good friend, Chris Garrett.  Chris was a gentle, loving, and kind soul and he lost his battle with a rare form of cancer at age 19.  Cancer sucks.  Nobody should have to experience cancer.  I had seen my mom very sick on a weekly basis when I was 13 years old, but she kicked cancer's butt.  I am now 40 years old and my mom is still here.  I can say my mom's stubbornness, my grandparents (her parents) faith, and all of her friends being there for her is what saved her life.  I can't say what saved my mom.  There are so many people that fight cancer every day, but lose their battle way too soon.  If I had to say why my mom lived, it is because she has a strong faith and she was on so many people's prayer lists.  Cancer sucks.  I witnessed this horrible disease on a daily basis for three years.  My mom had stage 3 breast cancer.  My aunt Cleo was not so lucky.  She tried radiation after her cancer diagnosis.  We lost Cleo within 6 weeks after her cancer diagnosis.  I still have trouble thinking about Cleo's death, simply because we lost her too soon.  Each year on August 9th, the anniversary of Cleo's death, I leave a flower for her on her grave every year.  Cleo has been gone since 1990 and I can say it has gotten easier through the years, but that loss is still there.  I had many great people in my life and I consider Cleo one of my moms.  This is why it is so hard to write this next paragraph.  I am losing another mom and it hurts.  I can't stop crying, I pray for comfort, but most of all, I pray for this amazing woman's family, who has become a second family to me.  This family and woman was there for me during my hardest time in life:  my mom's fight with breast cancer.

     I am on of those lucky people that had an amazing support group of friends and family when my mom was sick.  My mom is incredible.  She would come to every single game I played in at J.L. Long Middle School.  The next day, I knew she was tired and sick, but my mom always managed to get me and my brother fed breakfast, have a lunch packed for us, and get us to school on time every day.  I know this was no easy feat, as I still have a hard time getting up, getting Cole ready for school and out the door on time (semi-awake after two cups of coffee for me)!  The main reason I am the mom and wife I am today, is because I have great role models.  That second Momma to me is still my second Momma.  Her name is Armelia King, but I called her Coach.  Coach King was a lot of everything to so many people, but to me she was Momma.  She was there to pick me up when I was down.  Coach King was the one that stood up for me when she found out that certain girls were telling me, "Erika, go ahead and do yourself a favor.  Kill yourself, because you know your mom is going to die."  Yes, there were bullies, horrible girls, and nasty comments that were uttered to me at my middle school, but I had someone that always had my back:  Coach King.  I know many of my teammates (actually all of them) would agree that Coach King was more than a Coach:  she was a mentor, role model, amazing teacher, and the backbone of J.L. Long Middle School.  I always knew if I had a problem, I could go to Coach.  She was my rock, my protector, and my momma.  She didn't play, she didn't take no for an answer, and she didn't cut us any slack.  She had gone through hard times, but she never told us or showed us what she had gone through.  I know raising a son with autism has been hard, but I only can wonder how difficult it was raising three girls by herself without a husband.  I guess I can imagine it, but I know it was hard.  Coach King exemplified grace under pressure and she exemplified true grit.  This is why it hurts so much to see her suffer.  I am amazed by her spirit and the life-long impression she has left on my life.

     I feel writing about other topics in my blog lets you see the human side of me.  I hate death, I hate sadness, but most of all, I hate it when Cole sees me sad and crying.  I am fine right now, but even the smallest thing can get me crying again, like a Geico commercial!  I love hard, I love unconditionally, and I am thankful for the relationship I have had with Armelia King for nearly 30 years.  Coach King was the main person that inspired me to be a middle school teacher.  Ms. King was the most amazing Coach, taught me how to "press" for the first time in basketball, showed me how to play defense like a guy, and she taught me the true meaning of life.  I love this woman and Dottie, her youngest daughter.  Dottie and I have known each other since 1986, so we just get each other.  I pray for Dottie, as it is so hard for her to see momma slip away.  Dottie is crazy, so I guess that's why we get each other!  She is a wonderful friend and mom, and I am blessed to know Dottie.  I know if it had not been for Facebook, I would have never reconnected with her or Momma.  I am so glad I found Dottie and she found me.  We are relying on each other and I am so grateful Dottie takes the time to text and call me about Momma.  I am getting to know Coach's oldest daughter, Angela, and she is so much like her mom.  Angela is extremely smart, has Coach's smile, and takes care of business!  There are so many other family members that I could list, but these two women, along with Coach, are like my family.  When Coach dies, I pray that comfort and healing begins for everyone.  

     Coach has been sick for quite some time now, so she is not the same as I remember her in 1986.  I remember Coach as a strict disciplinarian who didn't take crap from anyone.  She no longer is the strong woman I remember.  She has suffered strokes and now has a weak heart that can only be treated with medicine, so that is what is causing her to slowly slip away.  My memories are packed away in my sub-conscience, so I am grateful for these memories.  I long for that day when Momma is released from her pain and suffering, because she deserves it.  Nobody knows when it's their time, but I know when Coach leaves this Earth, she has left a permanent mark on my heart and mind.  I am saddened to experience this pain, but I am thankful for my faith, my strength, and my pure love for this amazing woman.  Coach Armelia King is more than a teacher, Coach, and friend; she is a Mom and Grandmother.  Her legacy lives on in all of her kids.  I am one of the lucky ones; I get to say goodbye.  I don't have any regrets.  She was and always will be, Momma and Coach.  I miss her, I miss her laughs, but most of all, I miss Coach.

     I didn't mean to make you cry, so I am sorry about this subject.  I find writing as a way to express my intimate feelings, happy or sad.  I feel this is a kind of a release of my anxiety to pen this post tonight.  I take comfort and can smile just a little, knowing that I can find peace in my memories and in God.  I don't know what I would have done without Coach.  She was there in my most formative years.  I can only pray I can do the same for my son and his friends.  Time will only tell if I have made a lasting impression on Cole, our friends, and my former students the way Coach King has left on me.  Coach, I love you.  You have always been in my thoughts and prayers.  Heaven will be a much better place when you arrive.  I am one lucky woman to have had you as my 7th grade science teacher, volleyball, basketball, and softball coach.  You saw my potential, made me a great athlete, and helped me pursue life with fire.  I thank God for you and your family.  You saved me from what could have possibly been the worst time of my life, and for that, I will truly be indebted to you.  Thank you for helping me become who I am today.  I am at a loss for words, so thank you, for reading this tonight.  In the words of a friend, may our friendship stay dear and Vaya Con Dios....

Idealistic Goals vs. Reality

Idealistic Goals vs. Reality

     I have always tried to give myself a goal each year, accompanied with a view of reality.  I love my son beyond words and would give him anything and everything to help him become independent.  The way I describe independent is much different than anyone's point of view, if you don't have a child with autism.  Our journey has been a long one to get to the point where we are in life, so please don't judge me or my family.  I have had a lot of cheerleaders helping me, Cole, and my husband when it comes to the idea of being completely independent.  I won't lie; the first eight years of Cole's life were a struggle for me simply because he didn't speak or tell me what he needed or wanted.  I felt, at times, like throwing my hands up and throwing in the towel.  I wanted to roll up in a ball and cry many times (and sometimes I did), but my stubborn will to give Cole a voice and help him navigate in this big, bad, enormous world of uncertainty made me strive to be the best mom I could be.  I had fights with people over what Cole needed.  We changed pediatricians three times until we were all satisfied (beyond happy with our current doctor and staff).  We also tried a developmental pediatrician too, for Cole, which was just not a good fit.  

     You have to find the right fit for your child and you, simply because you are going to become friends with this person.  I liked Cole's first pediatrician, but after I started questioning his perspective in terms of a diagnosis of autism, I clearly became "that parent".  I clearly remember Cole's pediatrician asking me to write down the words Cole said at age 2.  I wrote down words that I thought I heard Cole say (actually mimic a sound), and his doctor took that as, "Oh he's fine.  Boys usually are slower at doing things then girls, so he probably just fits into this category of a slower talker."  I knew at age 2, Cole was not progressing the way I thought he should.  I also knew that since Cole had had 12 ear infections in one year, this could be slowing up his progress to talk.  I would hit my head against a wall just trying to figure out why my son didn't talk.  Looking back, I thought I talked too much and this was the main reason that Cole couldn't get a word in edge-wise.  Seriously, I thought in my head, "He was slow to walk--17 1/2 months, so maybe he's going to be a slow talker."  As a mom, you know when something is not right with your kid-- it's that inner gut feeling.  I knew Cole was different, but I also knew he needed help that I couldn't give him.

     Fast forward ten and half years and my kid does not shut up!  I fought long and hard for Cole, and I still do.  You have to be your child's advocate.  You must be their voice, simply because if they don't have a voice to advocate for themselves, you need to step up to the plate and be that parent who questions doctors, nurses, and therapists.  I only have a bachelor's degree in music, so I didn't know much about medical issues.  Make Google your best friend.  Please know, we have great doctors now, but it's not because I settled on just one.  Do the homework, find that right fit for your child, and also question their perspective when it comes to treating a child with autism.  I had many battles with Cole's first pediatrician, simply because he didn't think Cole had autism.  He blamed Cole for putting play-doh in his ear at age 8, that  caused his ear infection.  We didn't have any play-doh in our home, so I just it happened at school.  Do NOT ASSUME all doctors want to treat or know how to treat a kid with autism.  My last straw with this doctor was when he told me to treat Cole's staph infection with bleach.  He could sit in a tub of bleach to get rid of it, or it would go away at puberty.  Cole was 8 YEARS OLD!  There was no way that I was going to put Cole in a tub of bleach to get rid of his staph infection.  I knew then I was looking for a new pediatrician for Cole and for me.

     Cole has always said when we go to the doctors "No shots and no needles."  I questioned my sanity at times, because he was (and still is) a broken record.  Cole is terrified of needles and shots, but he gets that from me!  Yes, totally embarrassing moment, but when I was 14 years old, I had to get a gamaglobulin shot because I was exposed to hepatitis.  I cried all the way to the doctor's office, ran away, stole my mom's car keys from her and drove to my grandparent's house because I was terrified of needles.  Once they found out that I was terrified of needles and shots (yes they had to pry my hands off the door to get me in the door), they tried to coax me and put me at ease.  I HATE needles.  I always have, but as an adult, I realize the need for shots and needles.  Explain to me at 14 years old that I have to get a shot, simply because of some girl that has hepatitis.  I could ride the tallest roller coaster at Walt Disney World, but tell me I have to get a shot, I would cry like a baby.  Sometimes, I think Cole acts the way he does is not because of his autism-- it's because of me!  Those characteristics and traits that I had as a child and now an adult is similar to Cole.  We literally could be the same person at times.  He loves to sing, I love to sing.  He loves to eat. I love to eat!  Again, you know your child better than anyone.

     I am one of those parents that questions a lot, in terms of life.  I was always inquisitive in school.  I asked too many questions in school (I even got called into one of my SMU music history teacher's office and was scolded, because I was supposed to let others ask questions in the class!), but I have always believed that the more we question ourselves and the world we live in, we become deeper and more meaningful people.  I strive every day to help Cole with his independence.  We have two chore charts for Cole and these help tremendously!  I have to remind Cole to look at his chore charts, but once that pattern is established, he gets it.  He knows to take his dishes to the sink.  That is huge for me and for him.  He knows how to get dressed, where to put his dirty clothes, how to brush his teeth, brush his hair, take his medicine, and take a shower because of these chore charts.  My kid may not be comfortable staying home alone, even if it means I am outside talking to a neighbor, but you can believe I am doing my best to help Cole achieve total independence.  I pray each and every day that he finds his way towards total independence, because ultimately, this will complete me as his mom.  Nobody can explain how to "cut those strings" when it comes to being totally independent from your child, but as Cole's mom, I think I am doing a great job!  I don't want to send Cole out into this world wondering, "How do I do this?  My mom can do it for me."  I realize that I am 40 years old and I am not getting any younger.  Cole needs to be independent, not just for his sake, but for my well-being too.  I was given the wings to fly and to become independent as a teenager, but as young adult, I found myself yearning to stay at home.  I was comfortable living with my parents, simply because I knew they would always be there for me and Cole.  This was an easy way out to say "You don't need to be independent because I can help you."  I always yearned for my own place, with Cole.  That never happened.  I feel more independent now that I am married, simply because my wonderful husband gives me what I need.  He is a terrific father, but most of all, the most amazing man I could have ever married.  He gave me my independence, as well as Cole's.  I love this man and would marry him a thousand times over, simply because he is that wonderful.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but I needed to have that independence, even if it was just for a year.  I am blessed to have great parents, so please don't take this as a dig to them.  I don't know what I would have done without their support.  However, make sure before you decide to get married, have children, and live "happily ever after", you know who you are as a person.  It has taken me 40 years to figure out who I am and what I have become.  I love teaching, I love music, I love to dance, but most of all, I love my husband and son.