Life and Death
How do you explain death to a typical person? I have been struggling to understand how to explain my grief to Cole because a very good friend of mine died this week from cancer. The reality of death stings in a way that I can't explain because I don't know how to address this difficult "elephant in the room". I understand death happens, but sometimes sadness overwhelms me in a way that I can't explain. Cancer has affected me in different ways because I thought I was going to lose my mom to this horrible illness when I was just 14 years old-- the exact same age Cole is now. I find myself examining my life in ways that I never thought I would: 1. What would I do if I died tomorrow and I couldn't explain to Cole that I am never coming back? 2. How would my husband carry on without me? 3. Why is this world so cruel? 4. How would my parents deal with my loss? I have come to the realization that maybe, in some small way, my life would live on in Cole, my husband, my parents, and those around me I hold in high esteem. When I write this blog, I truly want to educate those about autism, but today, this post is about grief and how to deal with it.
I knew my friend, Linda, was going to die because her husband said it was just a matter of time. Linda had fallen into a semi-coma due to cancer a few weeks ago. Her husband, an incredible man of strength, courage, and compassion called my mom a little over a week ago to let us know she was not going to make it. The ugliness behind cancer is that it doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, white, black, Republican, Democrat, straight, or gay. I have cried many tears this week over Linda's death because she was such a kind, gentle, giving, and loving soul of a woman. She never once asked, "why me?". I know when her doctors gave her two options to try to cure her cancer, she decided to stay in Dallas and kick it to the curb. The sadness that overwhelmed me is something I wasn't really expecting because we all knew death was knocking at her door. However, the finalization of Linda's life here on Earth showed me that after death, there is life in Heaven. I am a woman of very strong faith, but what really scares me is the fact that when I die, how will my son, Cole, understand that I am never coming back? I know many parents worry on a daily basis about their children that have a disability, because I am one of those parents. I have many questions that may never have an answer, simply because I love my son and husband more than my own life. However, each question that lingers in my mind does have an answer.
Cole is an only child, so he doesn't have a sibling to share things with. I believe Cole is an only child for a reason: God picked me and my incredible husband to be his parents. I wish I could have had a baby with my amazing husband, but truly Cole is our gift from God. I realize some of you know our story, but if not, Cole was adopted by my loving husband. I divorced my first husband because of the abuse I endured for seven years. However, that being said, I decided not to be bitter and find something better. Our love story is truly one made for the movies: 1. man meets woman at church through the singles ministry, 2. man and woman fall in love, 3. man wants to adopt woman's son, no matter what type of disability son has, 4. woman falls madly in love with man, 5. mom marries man and son walks mom down the aisle at the church where we all meet, and 6. man officially becomes dad six months later through adoption. My husband is my super hero. All people should find this kind of love in their lifetime, because if not, you truly are missing out on God's greatest gift.
I feel my friend, Linda, found her true love not once, but twice. She was a widow and met her second husband through dancing at our church. I will miss Linda every single day, but her memory and legacy will live on through me, my mom, her family, her Red and Pink Hat Sisters, and her husband. Cancer sucks. I know there is a cure for cancer. I feel there are cures to a lot of debilitating illnesses, but I strongly feel these cures will never be unleashed in my lifetime until the American people decide to vote out their congressmen and congresswomen. How does this all relate? I strongly believe 99% of our politicians are out to make money for themselves and their family. I also strongly believe if drug companies weren't making millions of dollars off of the American people through lobbyists in Washington D.C., we would see less greed and more drugs become FDA approved. That being said, go out and VOTE and make your voice heard. Politics aside, there needs to be more accountability for those who hold office in federal and state government. I don't know if I only speak for me and my family, but if we demand change, we will see it happen. I pray there will be a cure released in my lifetime for ALL illnesses. God bless you Linda and all of those that have gone before you.
