Unexpected Change: Dedicated to Coach Armelia King

Unexpected Change:  Dedicated to Coach Armelia King

     I would only assume change was bound to happen when entering a new and different school.  However, the unexpected change for a child with autism can cause emotional turmoil and expected melt-downs.  Obviously, since I am writing about this topic today, we experienced unexpected change yesterday in both of our lives.  Cole had an emotional meltdown at his new school yesterday because of unexpected change.  My meltdown would soon follow.  I say this, simply because I am human.  You can only prepare your child and yourself for change when you know it is coming.  That being said, it is never easy when you think something is set in stone (a legal document, plus endless meetings this past year), and then it is completely wrong.  I was flabbergasted (if this is even a word!) when I received Cole's schedule for middle school yesterday.  Cole had a schedule that was full of general education classes, one Pre-AP math class, and eight different teachers.  The big change, however, was when we were told that the special education teacher had left.  They hired a new teacher yesterday and she didn't even have an email address, because she was that new!  I was in utter shock; however after meeting with the new teacher and aides, I feel like she is a very good teacher, as well as the aides, who will nurture Cole and help him succeed in and out of the classroom.  I know special education teachers leave the profession at alarming rates in Richardson I.S.D. (they have the second highest turn-over rate in the state of Texas), but we had no notice.  For many parents and guardians, this won't bother them, simply because they are not an advocate for their child.  I may be a helicopter parent, but we now have the correct classes, correct teachers, and a great school year set up for Cole.  I feel I am always advocating for change, not just because of Cole, but for all students.  School starts on Monday and I received a number of emails and phone calls within a 24 hour period, simply because I feel like I handled this situation professionally.  I emailed, documented Cole's accommodations, and went back to school to make sure we were on the same page.  By the time we showed up today at 2 p.m. (me, Cole, and my husband), I had received a phone call from the head of special education at Forest Meadow.  She told me Cole's schedule had been changed and explained in detail why it looked so bad.  Dr. Westone and the entire special education staff at Forest Meadow is phenomenal.  They get it.  They are going to take care of Cole and I am looking forward to this school year, simply because this change was needed (school).  

     I was not expecting what happened next:  my hero, mentor, best coach, and second mom had died.  She had gained her wings into heaven.  I was at a loss for words, so this blog post today is dedicated to the woman who inspired me to be a middle school teacher.  Coach Armelia King, as you have read, is the main reason I wanted to teach middle school.  She was my protector, a leader, but most of all my voice when I was silenced.  I knew she did not have much longer, as she was taken off hospice this past Wednesday.  I really don't think it was a coincidence that I was with Cole and five of his best friends when I received the news.  I couldn't sleep (which was okay because they stayed up until 4:30 a.m.!), I was a mess at the movies for about 15 minutes, but I held it together, simply because I didn't want them to see me crying.  I am devastated by this loss, simply because another one of my family members is gone.  Coach King was more than a Coach and teacher:  she was my second mom when my mom was dying.  Because of this woman, she helped me succeed in life, she gave me comfort when I needed it the most, and she always pushed me to be the best.  Mamma was stubborn, always told us as a team what she expected out of us, and she never gave up on us.  She was my friend and I am going to miss her terribly.  Mamma was sick for the past few years and I have seen her suffer.  I hate death, but when a person is sick and can't get better, I have always felt it is better for them to go to Heaven.  I have loved and lost.  My granddaddy died in 1994 and he suffered an entire year with Alzheimer's.  I loved him so much, but when he got sick, it was time for him to meet God.  Ten years later, his wife and my beloved Nanny Comp would join him.  To me, death is a better alternative for those when they can't get better.  These amazing, wonderful, and loving people are now in Heaven.  I feel Heaven is a better place because of them.  I have met some amazing people in my life, who are like family.  However, these three people, along with Mattie Bess Pou, Dave Marr, Charlie and Mac Cullum, shaped me into the woman I am today.  I miss all of these loved ones, and when my time comes, I hope I can leave a positive, lasting impression on others like they did on my life.  

     Coach King is like an idol to me.  She scared me when I first met her!  I remember entering the halls of J.L. Long Middle School and wondering who this intimidating woman was.  She carried herself in a way that I had never seen:  she looked me in the eye in my very first class, first period, 7th grade science, and asked me directly, "Young lady, why do you think your conversation is more important than mine?  Please share with the class what you are talking about, because it seems you think your conversation is more important than mine."  I had been called out already!  I always have had a problem with talking in class, but this woman had called me out on the first day of school.  To my horror, she was also going to be my very first volleyball coach (first sport of the school year).  I showed up for practice, ready to play volleyball.  She looked at me and said, "You really think you can play volleyball?  Look around.  You are one of three white girls.  I know Nicole can play because she's my captain.  You better show up.  That's all I have to say."  These words, along with her daughter, Dottie, inspired me to be the best volleyball player in 7th grade.  I was the only 7th grade starter in every single sport, and I know it was because I was out to prove myself to Coach King.  I made a name for myself at J.L. Long, simply because I wanted to be best at everything.  I think my perseverance, hard work, determination, and pure grit is why Coach came to love me.  Mamma loved all of her girls, but I feel I will always share that special bond with her, simply because she made me feel like one of her own.

     Coach Armelia King should be celebrated!  Her life was an inspiration to thousands of students in Dallas Independent School District.  Celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, and even the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, should have met Coach.  Coach would have shaped these terrible role models into something that is hard to come by:  fame without wanting recognition.  I try not to hate, but I feel celebrities should not earn money (millions of dollars) for just for being famous.  Fame stinks.  Teachers should receive millions of dollars for their countless hours trying to shape children and teaching young adults that contribute to society in a positive way.  Teachers aren't paid crap.  We have long hours, devote our time to our students, give them hope when they may not receive it at home, and we love our students unconditionally.  I speak for the good teachers.  Yes, there may be a few bad apples and teachers, but for the most part, teachers don't go into this profession seeking fame or fortune.  At the end of the day, I can't turn my mind off school.  I am not teaching in a school district, but when I did, I tried to love each student like my own.  My family suffered because of the incredibly long hours, and I know I am not the only one that puts their students first, family second.  This is what Coach Armelia King did for me.  She put me first.  She loved me unconditionally and gave me hope when my mom, Gwyn Kelley, had stage three breast cancer.  I credit Coach King for saving me from this really hard time in my life.  Twenty eight years later, my mom, Gwyn Kelley, is still here on Earth.  I am so thankful that I had Coach King in my life for nearly thirty years.  Coach King gave me a foundation that was stable, told me to stand up for what was right, and she pushed me to be the best in life.  Her memory and legacy will live on through me until I die.  Hug your family, tell them you love them, because you never know what each day brings.

     I have had some okay teachers, good teachers, great teachers, and then those teachers that have left a mark on my life.  Coach King, Jack Mattingly, Arnold Young, Lilli Grant, Buster Cooper, and Cynthia Bell were those teachers that inspired me to be a great person. They changed my life.  Cynthia Bell is still here on Earth, but all these amazing teachers are in Heaven.  Heaven is such a better place, simply because they are there.  I am still in shock, saddened that I have lost my second mamma, but I am at peace knowing she earned her wings into Heaven yesterday.  "I'll fly away old glory, I'll fly away.  When I die, halleluiah by and by, I'll fly away."  I love you Mamma and I am going to miss you so much.  

Expectations and Technology

Expectations and Technology

     I have come to the realization that I can second guess myself, which may not be a bad thing!  I feel, at times, that this blog is only a reflection of part of me, Cole, and my wonderful husband.  I am truly blessed to be loved by these two wonderful men in my life and I thank God each and every day for them!  I also realize that my blog is not really reaching out to as many as I thought.  I read just last night on a friend's post on Facebook that there are so many people that "live" through Facebook.  That is not living.  Unfortunately, there are so many people in today's world that are living through their technology and not making that personal connection, via face to face in person or actually talking on the telephone.  To me, this is sad.  I made such wonderful friends growing up and I know it was because I talked to them in person on the playground and in the classroom.  I don't expect much these days from adults my age or younger, simply because today's world is all about technology, who is "popular" when it comes to friendship via Facebook, LinkedIn, or Instagram.  However, I do expect the courtesy email or text to let me know that they can't keep an appointment.  My stark realization is now clear to me, which totally sucks on my end:  technology has replaced the actual form of conversation and I don't like it.  My expectation is now being shifted to, "What can I do to stay in the loop via technology?".   My son and his all of his friends are now using technology, via text, Instagram, KIK accounts, and Facebook to talk to each other.  Do I like this?  No.  However, to keep up with "going on's" in Cole's life and his friends, I must keep up with the latest technology, just to make sure these kids stay safe and know to how to interact with each other.  The art of conversation is now lost, simply because of technology.

     My expectations have now become a reality, simply because my music proposal "Technology and Education:  Educating the student with Special Needs" was picked for next year's T.M.E.A. annual convention.  I submitted two proposals, but the proposal that was picked has to do with technology.  I am really excited about this opportunity to educate thousands (20,000+ people attend this yearly convention) in the field of technology and music, but my main goal was to reach teachers and administrators.  I only pray my presentation is insightful, full of knowledge that has not been presented, and how to reach the population about students who have learning and physical disabilities.  I anxiously have been waiting since June 1st (this is when all proposals were due) to see if I would actually get picked.  I initially thought I would be notified by email on August 1st.  After much digging on T.M.E.A.'s website (again, hence technology rearing it's ugly head), I found what I was looking for:  each person that submitted a proposal would be notified via email, starting August 15th.  My heart raced, I kept checking my email every hour on August 15th.  Wouldn't you know it, I would receive that confirmation email that said my proposal was picked the following day, August 16th, when I was away from my computer!  I am grateful for technology, simply because it has given so many people a voice that don't have one.  

     Educating one person at a time is my mantra, but if you can educate thousands, why not go for it?  I am forty years old and I can clearly remember when I was in the sixth grade, there was a boy in my class that had a learning disability (dyslexia).  He was so sweet and turned out to be one of my very best friends (he thought I was his girlfriend!).  I remember him to be a gentle soul, very tall, and would ask me for help in class.  I didn't know he had dyslexia until he told me on Valentine's Day.  He gave me a card that said on the inside "Would you be my girls friends?".  He personally wrote this, so naturally I thought, am I going to have to share him with other girls?  I was not into boys, except to play basketball and football with them, but I was a little confused by what he had written.  I am now learning that dyslexia is not a form of reading words and letters backwards, but that it is something much more complex.  My friend, Lyn Pollard, can educate you fully on what dyslexia is.  I do know that if my boyfriend in sixth grade would have been granted materials in our classroom that helped him learn his way, he would have aced 6th grade with flying colors!  We did attend the same middle school, but didn't have any classes together.  He was a gentle soul and this would be my first experience into learning about people who have learning disabilities.  Fast forward 28 years later, I now know that each child should be given the BEST education one is offered, thanks to the Wright Law.

     Technology is a double-edged sword for me.  I love to write, but I have been doing a lot more writing via computer (blogging), which in some ways, is cathartic.  Cole has taught himself how to learn music via YouTube and other computer apps made available on a computer or iPad, simply because technology is now common in school and the workplace.  My son may not have found his voice, if it hadn't been for YouTube.  I have worked so hard to give Cole a voice:  private speech therapy since the age of four on a weekly basis, his own band "Cole Warren and the Jambox Boys and Bebop Girls", and a home filled with family and friends on a weekly basis.  My first job in life is to be the best mom and wife to Cole and my wonderful, supporting husband.  My second job in life is to educate millions.  I would like all people to know and understand what it's like to live on a daily basis with a child (nearly a teenager) who has autism.  This statement is reality:  I don't think this is selfish at all, but what so many people don't realize is that as a parent, we have to keep thinking ahead and see what we can do to offer Cole to keep his mind active.  Also, my husband and I are products of environment.  My husband and I are blessed to have had top-notch educations from private school and colleges that afford us the comforts of our home that realistically, may not be true for Cole.  Cole may be able to attend a community college and hopefully a state school that provides programs for adults that have autism.  I plan on using my story and Cole's life as an example of how life is in our household.  Music is a part of both of us.  I never expected to be a presenter at T.M.E.A., however,  I am thrilled to expose teachers, educators, parents, and administrators to life, music, and autism.  I really didn't expect my T.M.E.A. proposal to be picked.  I have always been told it takes two to three times to submit a proposal for it to be picked.  I guess I am one of the few that has experience in education, technology, music, and teaching on a daily basis, simply because I have a child that has autism.  I will always pursue excellence and expect nothing short of perfection when it comes to educating our population, even if it's via technology.  I would love to leave this world a better place, simply because I have taught and educated people about living with autism.  I think I am on my way!

Perfectionism: Does It Exist?

Perfectionism:  Does It Exist?

     I have racked my brain over this subject many times, and I think I suffer from that word:  perfectionism.  I have always strived to be the best in everything I do, and it catches up to me quite a bit.  I look in the mirror every day and question my ability to be the thinnest, look the fittest, and have that look that says I take care of myself physically.  I have always had a problem with my weight (or so I thought) since middle school.  I remember when it was the summer of 1987 and I wore my first bikini to the beach-- Galveston Island.  I shopped that entire summer before the Fourth of July to find the "perfect" bikini.  I can still remember that bikini like it was yesterday:  pink, with black leaves and palm trees.  I had purchased my first bikini at Clothestime, my favorite store from 1986-1993, and I would hold onto this beloved swimsuit until it faded and nearly fell apart my senior year of high school!  I hate to admit this, but I am a perfectionist.  I now realize, though, that you can't get back time.  I am 40 years old, I am obese (but in great physical condition because I exercise four to five times a week), and I have a terrific life, simply because I now choose to live in the moment.

     I am writing this post today because the summer is slowly coming to an end, and I am apprehensive about the start of school.  The main thing I am so thankful for is a new school for Cole, a fresh start and clean slate for not only Cole, but for me as well.  I know I really stirred things up at Merriman Park Elementary last year, simply because I expected and demanded what Cole was entitled to:  a very challenging education, teachers that understood Cole and helped him to be his best, and a school that was free of bullying and bias.  I hate to look back and say, "Oh, I was that parent that caused a lot of problems."  However, I know as a mom and as a teacher, Cole has every opportunity as any kid does in school to be the best he can be.  I have to let go of my anger, move forward, and know that Cole is in good hands at Forest Meadow Junior High.  I get so emotional when I write, simply because I love my son.  Cole has come so far in life, that it just wasn't fair to him to receive a half-ass education last year.  Sixth grade, in my eyes, is a grade that needs to have very effective and responsible teachers, with an administrator leading the way.  I will say it again:  Cole was robbed of his innocence, and I for one, am NOT going to tolerate ineffective administration or teachers this year.  I communicate what I feel, whether it's right or not right in other people's eyes, I am a mom first and I am fierce about being a perfectionist-- especially when it comes to my son's education and his future.  This is why I enjoy being a perfectionist, simply because it causes me to think and react on my feet and not take no for an answer.  I think Katie Kirkpatrick heard my voice loud and clear in Cole's three A.R.D.'s towards the end of the school year, but I pray she doesn't mess up anybody else's potential to have a successful school year at Merriman Park Elementary.  This "Principal" should not have been allowed to continue in administration at Merriman Park Elementary for a second year, simply because she is a lousy Principal who doesn't know special education or gifted law.  I didn't file any complaints to T.E.A., simply because I expect better out of this woman.  However, if I hear of others being neglected because of her ineffective leadership and understanding of how a school should be run, you can believe I will file a complaint with the state.  I lost my trust and faith in Katie Kirkpatrick in October 2013, simply because she did nothing to communicate with me about Cole's bullying and sexual abuse.  She is a coward, a liar, but most of all, the worst type of Principal:  ineffective.  Katie Kirkpatrick was absent from her office, never around to see what was happening at her school, never took the time to say thank you to her amazing teachers, and never returned one email with regards to Cole's bullying.  I had one Principal who I worked for that was the same way, but at least I could leave my job.  Kids and parents can't leave their school (unless they choose to home school, which isn't going to happen), so as a parent, we must stand up to bullies-- even if it's a Principal or an Administrator.

     Perfectionism is a disease.  I suffer from this disease and I always have.  I think there are different types of perfectionism:  a creative type, a "type A" type, an intelligent type, the image conscious type, and a spiritual type.  I would label myself as the creative and image conscious perfectionist.  I have always wanted to be the best singer and always have the perfect body.  As a trained opera singer, one must have the body of goddess, simply because if one doesn't take care of their instrument, the voice suffers.  I have never been the best singer-- always "almost there".  I remember my first audition as a child and I clearly remember at the age of six that I was too pretty to play the youngest Von Trapp daughter, because I didn't have brown hair.  I had to settle for Marta, but I wanted to be the best.  I loved playing Marta in "The Sound of Music", but I wanted to be Gretl, simply because she had the biggest singing part.  I learned then that I had to step up my game to be the best.  I have always loved music, Broadway, and Opera.  I don't really know how to explain this next part, but I will try, simply because this is where I think being a perfectionist is hard to write into any blog.  I longed to be the next "Annie" on Broadway.  I had seen the movie in 1984 and I instantly fell in love with it.  I knew I was going to be the next Aileen Quinn (Annie in the movie), simply because I was a great singer and a pretty good singer.  I had struck gold in the summer of 1984:  Annie was having open auditions at the Dallas Summer Music Hall and I was going to audition!  This one experience changed my life for good and gave me so many incredible opportunities as an adult.  

     I remember singing "Tomorrow" for two straight weeks after my mom had told me about the audition.  I think I pushed my brother over the edge, simply because I was that annoying little sister who never shut up!  I clearly remember getting up every morning at 7 a.m. and putting on my tap shoes, dancing on our little piece of linoleum in the front hallway, and doing this for nearly twelve hours every day.  I couldn't get enough of Annie.  I even made my mom buy me the record album!  Unfortunately, by the time the audition had come, I had HUGE BLISTERS on both feet, making my dancing look awkward.  Honestly, I was shocked when they called my name for a call back.  I thought I had danced like an elephant, trying not to show the pain I was in from my blisters.  From then on, I swore I would never tap dance as hard and long as I had for that one audition!  My singing, according to the counselor at my elementary school (retired opera singer), was very good, but Broadway was a much different venue.  She told me just to sing my heart out and they would love me.  They didn't love me, as I didn't make the final cut of the show.  I was heartbroken.  I took it personally, but I was thankful and grateful for the opportunity it gave me.  I couldn't believe it when they called me at home and left a message on our answering machine that they wanted me.  Unfortunately, we were in Colorado when this happened and they left without me.  The next week, we were headed for Estes Park, Colorado, and I sang all the way there and all the way back.  I can still hear my brother, "Erika, shut up or I am going to throw you out the window".  If Nanny and Granddaddy had not been with us, I really think he would have thrown me out of our Plymouth Volare station wagon in 1984!  I owe my brother a lot-- but especially patience with me.  He put up with my singing until 1992, and I thank him for that.  He is a great big brother, simply because he put up with my singing and my crazy self!  I am forever grateful for those trips that we took with my parents, nanny, and granddaddy.  I don't know if my singing is now tolerable to Shawn, but since we don't live in the same household, I imagine it is bearable to him now.

     I longed to always be on a stage, and I would always sign any type of card, "Erika Kelley.  Someday this autograph is going to be worth a million dollars because I am going to be famous!".  When I was in high school, my perfectionism caught up with me.  I was 15 years old, nearly 16, and I wanted to be bone skinny.  I was on my high school's swim team and I wanted to look like a certain girl, simply because she was a really fast swimmer and had gotten a certain dance part in our musical, "42nd Street".  I don't blame anybody for what I did to my body-- only myself.  I would only eat carrots, celery, ham off my sandwich, and an apple for lunch, because I longed to be that girl who had everything.  I had a boyfriend, but I wouldn't let him see my body, simply because I knew he would tell someone.  I wanted to be that spotlight dancer (hence the perfectionist rears her head here), I wanted to be that next big star on Woodrow Wilson's stage, but I wanted more than that-- I wanted to live in New York and pursue my dream of becoming the next "Annie".  I had seen so many of my friends in high school looking a certain way, so I wanted to look like them too.  I wasn't fat, if you call 5'6" and 120 pounds fat, but I wanted to weigh 100-105 pounds.  Unfortunately, I did manage to get down to 102 pounds.  These days, that doesn't sound so bad, simply because of the image that "stars" portray and live on a daily basis.  However, that being said, I think this is a sick way to live.  I was on a band trip in St. Louis, Missouri, when I started throwing up-- I suffered from bulimia and anorexia.  One of my friends told my band teacher (who I was not a big fan of), that I was sick and needed help.  The reality of passing out at musical practice back home then throwing up in St. Louis made me keenly aware that people were watching me.  I didn't want to admit that I had a problem, but I did.  I knew when I got back home, I needed to do something.  I threw up one last time at school, and three of my closest friends were there when it happened.  I clearly remember not throwing up anything and feeling faint, but I was so dehydrated I couldn't tell anyone.  I am forever grateful to those three friends and one particular mom (my brother's girlfriend's mom) who stayed with me and brought me Jack in the Box eggrolls, simply because I was so hungry and thirsty.  I talked to these friends on a daily basis, and they were the ones that helped me get through this emotional time in my life.  Amanda, Keicee, and Melinda saved my life and I have never told them thank you.  When I stopped throwing up and starving myself, I weighed 102 pounds.  I looked sick and I felt sick, but I was skinny.

     Perfectionism doesn't always serve me well, obviously!  At times, I am thankful for the knowledge on how to take care of myself, but I am also thankful for an incredible support system.  Without unconditional love, I could have headed down a broken and dark road to self-destruction.  Cole is a perfectionist, when it comes to singing, but his God-given gift of looking out for himself is something that simply amazes me.  He has that strong desire that I did to move to New York, become the next Frankie Valli in "Jersey Boys", and to push the button in Times Square on New Year's Eve with Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  Cole practices for hours on end every day, until he thinks he is perfect, then he stops to eat, plays Minecraft, and then resumes his rendition of "Walk Like a Man" until I tell him it's time for bed.  I have always wondered if people that have autism could be perfectionists.  I think my son is a perfectionist, in the creative sense.  I only pray that Cole can achieve what I never could-- okay with being great at home and with his life.  It has taken me forty years to be just "okay" with my life and not being the best at everything.  I wanted to be that star like Aileen Quinn and Sutton Foster.  My time has come and gone (or so I think), but my son is destined for great things.  He truly could be the next Frankie Valli in "Jersey Boys" because he is that good.  Sometimes, I just have to relax, say thank you God for all of the blessings you have bestowed to me and my family, and know that I am a great wife, mom, daughter, and friend.  I am thankful for friendships that span over thirty years, but I am also beyond thankful for having the most amazing family and husband God could have ever given me.  I am one blessed perfectionist!