Heartbroken

Heartbroken

     I didn't realize until now how much Cole loves to perform in front of an audience.  He is a natural and is an incredible singer.  I am not saying this because I am his mom, but in hindsight, I should have seen this coming.  Cole is destined to be on the stage.  I think the reason I am writing this blog post today is because I am hurting for Cole.  I have had days, and even weeks, when I can't sing or perform due to illness.  I am not one of those stage moms who makes her kid perform.  I wish I could take away Cole's illness (coughing and bronchitis) so he could sing today for his school's talent show.  I know there will be other opportunities for Cole to perform, but this one really breaks my heart.  Cole was going to be able to show his friends how much he loves to sing and the staff at his new school how incredibly talented he is.  Cole has never had to cancel or re-schedule a performance, due to illness.  Three years ago, Cole had a viral throat infection that caused him a lot of trouble, but he still pressed on.  Cole's allergies sometimes turn into something more, and since we didn't have one single freeze this year, pollen is really stirred up, which has caused him to miss school.  I guess I am explaining this to the best of my knowledge because I really didn't know singing and announcing was Cole's passion.  He shines in front of an audience and literally has absolutely no stage fright.  I honestly couldn't be happier that he knows what he wants to do for a career (besides work at Burger King and Howdy Homemade--Cole's exact words).  I feel God has put people in our life to guide and support us.  I have witnessed so much in my life that I can only thank God for giving us so much here on Earth.

     A little over four years ago, I started dancing again.  How does this relate to Cole's life?  I met some pretty incredible people because of the amazing Buster Cooper.  Buster was larger than life (even at 5 feet tall!), and came into my life right when I needed him.  Buster Cooper is a legend in dance, and if you don't know who he is, Google him.  I started taking tap from him at the young age of 38, and met some of his students.  Through this experience, I have met Michael Jenkins, head of the Dallas Summer Musicals.  For some odd reason, he said he remembered me as a child and wanted to know what I had been doing.  Fast forward a few years from this conversation, and I have auditioned, performed in front of an audience again, and judged the high school musical theater awards.  Because of this awards show, Michael Jenkins, and Tracy Jordan have given me opportunities to show Cole what life is like as a performer.  These two men have also created something that, I hope, will never go away in Cole's lifetime:  homegrown talent right out of Texas making it on Broadway and Las Vegas.  I have met some incredible people because of my connection with Buster Cooper.  Buster danced right up until his death at the age of 90.  I credit Buster for giving me my life back and the love of tap.  He is the epitome of what life is about:  living it to the fullest.  

     I have had people ask me, why are you friends with so many people?  I think one reason is because I don't know a stranger.  The other reason is because I truly love my life.  I am thankful Cole is the same way (minus stranger danger), because if you just hole up into a cocoon, you aren't living.  I have been through divorce, witnessed death firsthand, had a bad work experience, and was in a terrible car wreck that changed the course of my life at the age of 23.  There were times that I wished I could have crawled into a hole and never lived after 23, but God thought otherwise.  I truly believe God gives us so much, and if we look at the positive side of life (even if you are going through life with a lot of hardships), it makes it easier to process our feelings and love each other.  I thank God every day for giving me an incredible son.  Cole truly is my gift from God, as well as my amazing and awesome husband.  Am I sad that Cole can't perform today?  Yes, because this is what he loves to do.  Will Cole have another opportunity to perform?  Of course he will, because I know this amazing son of mine is destined for HUGE things.

     Don't limit your thinking.  I have been very blessed to have met some incredible people in my life that have shaped me into the person I have become.  I feel God gave me incredible friendships as a child.  I also received unconditional love from my parents, grandparents, family members, and friends I consider family.  I also believe if you are given a family that isn't worthy of your love, you can find people that are worthy of it.  Unfortunately, so many people go through life thinking they aren't worthy of unconditional love because of their childhood or adult relationships they have had with their parents or exes.  Seriously, DON'T LIMIT YOUR THINKING.  I have learned as an adult I have a number of friends that don't believe or think they are worthy of unconditional love.  Our world is losing touch with society, thanks to social media.  However, if you limit your thinking, you may never know what opportunity is right around the corner for you.  I met my husband ten years ago, and because of the unconditional love he showed me and Cole, I am living the most incredible life.  I really didn't think I would marry again, because of my bitterness I had towards my ex-husband.  God turned my life around by giving me the tools to cope and to seek help through an incredible therapist, and because of her, my life is wonderful.  The reason I am stating this is because sometimes we go through life without realizing we need help.  I am not a therapist, but I do hope my blog posts help you realize you are human.  I couldn't get through life without my faith in God, the support and unconditional love of my incredible husband, and my parents.  TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

Have You Ever Felt Overwhelmed?

    Have You Ever Felt Overwhelmed?

     Having a child that has autism, at times, can be very stressful.  Cole can become an entirely different person at a moment's notice without any warning.  This scares me because there is a trigger than goes off in his head and then he starts scripting.  For those of you who aren't familiar with this term, scripting means the person who has autism will imitate what they see or hear on television, the computer, or radio.  Unfortunately, Cole has pulled up some YouTube videos (even after I have put a block on them) that are not pretty.  My sweet young man may revert at a moment's notice and imitate Jesse Ridgeway, aka McJuggernuggets, or Tourette's Guy from YouTube.  For those of you not familiar with these YouTube characters-- yes they are paid to make these videos for YouTube-- they are exhibit destructive behaviors.  Cole is brilliant because he can imitate a voice or commercial that is relevant to life, but when that trigger goes off, he will script either Tourette's Guy or Jesse Ridgeway, which is very scary.  I use different methods to calm him down, such as a countdown and snap my finger to come back to me, but sometimes it may take 20 minutes for him to get back to his "normal" place.  The most scary part about  Cole scripting is he can change into one of these people.  I understand why he does it, but the outside world doesn't understand our banter.  I make it into a game when we are in public after I have disciplined him (talked to him in a calm voice).  The outside world can be scary for anyone, but for those living with autism, coping is a skill that needs to be relevant and enforced at school and at home.  I get scared, at times, when we are out in public and one of his "characters" appears.  We have visited the police station in our neighborhood so they know us.    We are lucky to live in a neighborhood that accepts us, but at times, we still get the stares. 
     Why am I writing about this aspect of Cole's autism?  I have had one of those moments that I feel needs to be expressed, because autism is not going away.  There is no cure for autism.  Autism is a spectrum and syndrome that appears differently in every person that has it.  I doubt in my lifetime, there will be a "cure" for autism.  I am one of the lucky parents who has a child that is very sweet most of the time.  There are many families that may never hear their child speak, and for them, I weep.  Cole was non-verbal for nearly nine years.  I am grateful for music (as it broke his silence), because he can tell me things he needs, wants, and desires.  However, it is also scary when he reverts to Tourette's Guy or Jesse Ridgeway.  I feel overwhelmed at times because parenting is hard.  I do my best as a mom, because that's how I was raised.  I don't give Cole a pass, simply because he has autism.  We have had moments where I have had to walk out of a room because he needs his alone time.  I understand his behavior, but others don't.  I am blessed to have a husband that supports my parenting and encourages Cole to be the best human being he can be.  There are moments when I want to crawl into a corner and cry, but I don't have that luxury when Cole is around.  I have cried once in front of Cole, because I felt it was necessary for him to see me get emotional.  I am a very strong woman, but there are times I do want to be fired.  Cole uses this term, "You're fired", because he thinks it's funny. 
     I never want to be the mom that gives up on her child, simply because of a behavior that may not be conducive to real life.  I know I will never give up on Cole, but there are times I have given up on me.  Being a good parent is hard; being a great parent to a child living with autism is extremely hard.  I know God picked me to be Cole's mom, and I feel I am doing a great job.  However, don't forget the moms and dads raising kids with learning differences because, yes, it does get lonely for us.  I stay busy because it helps me stay connected to the outside world.  I have never given up on Cole because he deserves the best.  Do I expect the best from Cole?  You better believe I expect Cole to do great in school, at church, and home because he has been given tools to succeed in life.  Today's blog post is about understanding what your child needs:  unconditional love.  You may never know how much they need to hear you say "I love you".  Unconditional love is a gift.  Tell people you love them, because you never know what they are going through.  I tell Cole and my sweet husband I love them every day because they are my gifts from God.