2014: A Year of Reflection
I find myself on this journey we call life, and I can honestly say I have no regrets. My forty years of living makes me feel, at times, like I am living in a 90 year old body, simply because I have done so much for others and not taken time out for myself to relax and rest. I want to be so much to everyone that my crazy, hectic (yes I know I did this to myself) life just doesn't seem to slow down for one minute! I was forced this past week to rest, due to a bout of pneumonia. I am thankful for Christmas break, an incredible husband who does more than he should for me and Cole, but I am also keenly aware that I am not twenty years old. I can reflect and look back at my life, and know that when I haven't slowed down, my life has caught up with me. I was forced to slow down this past week and it made me realize that for the first time in my life I was going to die. I have had pneumonia not once, not twice, but three times since I was 20. Each time I have had pneumonia, it has been not bad, but REALLY BAD. I was in depression when I was 20, but I didn't realize I was depressed. I have been one of the very fortunate souls who have managed to find ways to cope when dealing with depression. Depression, as we all know by Robin Williams' untimely death, does not discriminate. I can write this blog post, simply because I have been down that lonely road we call depression. My next few paragraphs will explain in full detail why depression hurts and where to turn to for help, when you don't feel there is a way out.
I grew up in a very well adjusted home life. I had two parents that adored me, a set of grandparents that would move mountains for me, and an incredible older brother that put up with my quirks. Many people say that if you have a stable home life, you won't suffer from depression. That is a TOTAL LIE!!!! I had an incredible childhood that any kid could have picked and said, "Ooh, I want to be Erika. She has everything." I am living proof that if you have a stay-at-home mom, a dad who worked himself nearly to death to provide for his two children to have everything, your life will turn out perfect. I am here to tell you that there is no white picket fence, even if it appears that way. My parents made a deal early on that my mom would be a stay-at-home mom. Looking back as an adult, I can't even imagine my mom NOT being a stay-at-home mom. She did everything for me and my brother. I attended dance class twice a week, gymnastics the other two days and our Fridays were always filled with either friends over at our house or just having family time together. I truly believe these were my building blocks that formed me into becoming the great mom that I am today. I am not bragging that I am a great mom, but I have worked extremely hard to fulfill this role as "great mom" to not just Cole, but to his friends and other students. I loved my life growing up as a child and as a teenager and I knew when I had children, I would make them feel the exact same way about their childhood as I had: happy, whole, and loved unconditionally. However, once I started college, my life began to change.
Change is good, but when there is too much change all at once, this can be detrimental to a person who has depression. I did not know I suffered from depression until I was in my thirties. I was beat down so hard by my first husband that I started to believe his lies. This is when my spiraling depression took form-- in the face of my now ex-husband. I wanted to leave this abusive relationship, but how was I going to leave? I had three options: I could find an apartment on my own with Cole (who was not even 1 years old), wait it out and see if he was going to change with minimal counseling, or file for divorce. Obviously, I chose option number three. However, was this an easy choice for me? No. Divorce is not easy, especially when children are involved. However, I am here to tell you that it is much better to be alone and happy than suffer in silence. I knew for my sake and for Cole's life, I had to leave this abusive relationship. Do I still have regrets from this seven year marriage? Who's to say I won't look back when I am on my deathbed and say I am sorry to my ex-husband. However, in this lifetime, it is never going to happen, simply because it is out of my power to say I am sorry to that jerk. Did I grow and learn from that relationship? Of course I did. My first marriage taught me what to look for in a husband, lover, and great father for Cole. I can write this blog post with sincerity knowing that if I was still married to my first husband, I may not be alive.
I knew in my heart on September 23, 2004, my marriage was over. This date stands out so clearly to me, simply because this was the day my Nanny Comp died. Nanny Comp's life, legacy, and love lives on in me, Cole, my brother, his children, and my parents. Again, I will get back to the topic of depression, but I cherish my memories of my Nanny and Granddaddy. Nanny and Granddaddy gave me a life that wasn't about the "stuff at Christmas". Nanny and Granddaddy were always there for me, even if it meant just coming to see me sing for three minutes at a twice yearly voice recital at Eastfield College. I credit my mom's parents, Roy and Ethilen Compton, for giving my mom the life that I have. They adopted my mom at the young age of two weeks old when they were 36 years old. My grandparents were considered "old parents" back then-- 1944, but by today's standards, I think it's pretty normal. The best decision Nanny and Granddaddy made was to adopt my mom and give her a life that she would not have had, otherwise. I also credit my "Granny B." for giving my mom up for adoption, simply because this was the most selfless act a mom can do-- put her child's needs before her own. Roy and Ethilen's spirit is what gets me through those dark times. The memories I have will always comfort me when I think I can't go on any more. I have never tried to actually commit suicide, but I can say I have called the suicide hotline number once. I am putting this out there to let you know depression can hurt, but you can get through your darkest times. I know because I have been there. The phone number can be googled if you need it, but I don't want to google "Suicide Hotline" right before Christmas, simply because I am in a great place in my life!
I also received much needed help from a school district that I was working in when I was at my lowest. I was working twenty hour days, suffering in silence, "Why wasn't I the best choir teacher?", only to realize that I had friends at my new place of work. I credit those friends for saving me, helping me get to a safe place in my life, and showing me that teaching isn't a job, it is a way of life. Sarah, Christina, Carrie, Brandon, Kathleen, and Raquel, thank you for helping me get through those times at that school. You may never know how much of an impact you had on me at that time, but I credit you for saving my life. I would have never known about Teacher's AFT if it hadn't been for you all. AFT was my savior and they were going to be the ones that finally helped me put together the pieces of my adult life. I was nearly raped at my school by a middle school aged boy, simply because I was too nice of a teacher. AFT fought for me, had my back every step of the way, and gave me a name to call if I needed to talk to anyone. That name was Susan and she has been my go-to counselor ever since. I can say that if Dallas I.S.D. does get one thing right, they provide help when it is much needed to their teachers. Because of this help, I was able to move on past my prior life, talk out my demons to Susan (ex-demons = ex-husband), and move on with my life. I was dating my now husband at the time, but I knew I was never going to get married until I addressed that skeleton in my closet-- my past.
I am blessed to say that because of the help I received from Susan, I no longer suffer in silence. The best thing you can do if you suffer from depression is speak up. Don't hold your emotions inside of you and bury it deep down within your soul, thinking it will go away. That feeling of emptiness never leaves you until you tell someone. I would not have the life I have today with my amazing husband and son if I had not reached out to Susan. Yes, there are days that I do feel 90 years old simply because I do too much for others. However, God put me on this Earth to do good. I want to leave this world and say, yes it's a better place because I am in it. Depression is a silent killer and shouldn't be. Robin Williams is now free of his demons and I am so glad he is finally at peace.
We shouldn't have to lose one more amazing soul, simply because people don't know who to turn to. Love your family, tell your friends you love them every day, because you secretly don't know what goes on behind closed doors. That beautiful white picket fence family may be the one that needs to hear it the most: "I love you son. You are brave, wise, smart, and the best son I could have ever asked for." I was one of the lucky ones who had a ton of support. There may be other kids and adults that aren't as lucky. Tell them you love them, give them a hug, but most of all, be that person who is there for them. God gives us one life. Use your life and inspire others to strive for greatness. You never know who needs to hear, "I love you". Merry Christmas, happy new year, and may you all have a terrific, healthy, and prosperous 2015!
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