Second Chances

Second Chances

     Have you ever regretted not following your heart and listening to your inner voice?  There are brief moments in my life that I look back on with fond memories and wished I had not said no.  One of those moments was an invitation to sing in Italy (Amalfi Coast) when I was 23 years old.  I turned this opportunity down because I didn't want to leave my family.  I will be 43 in March and a lot has changed in 20 years since this invitation was extended to me.  Do I have regrets turning this amazing opportunity down?  I regret not saying yes to this opportunity, but I also know in my heart I was not ready.  I feel now I am in my singing prime and can hear my inner voice speaking to me, "keep singing".  The main reason I have not sung professionally in many years is because I thought being Cole's mom came first, singing second.  Family has, and always will be, my number one priority.  Many people have asked me why I no longer sing professionally and my answer always has been family comes first.  I have never had regrets about putting my family first, because they are my life.  Music has, and always will be, a major part of my life, but it doesn't take care of you physical or mental well being.

     My mom was 43 years old when she was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.  I won't lie; it was tough seeing her go through the fight of her life.  Chemotherapy was a bitch.  I remember waking up on a daily basis for two years to make sure she was still alive.  I lived at home until I was 24 years old because I had no desire to leave.  I could have lived in a dorm while a student at SMU, but I always came home because it was safe.  I loved my time as a student at Meadows School of the Arts, as it became my second family, but I also was a creature of habit.  I loved my home and I never wanted to leave the security of it.  Looking back, I am glad I didn't live in a dorm or an apartment because I needed to pass my classes!  A lot of my friends didn't graduate because they partied too hard.  I always give thanks to God for allowing me to attend SMU and have the comforts of home to study.  I would have never been able to pass music history (all 6 classes) if I hadn't had a quiet room and a stress-free study zone!
     I am going to be 43 years old in March 2017.  Why does this bother me?  I feel turning 43 is significant because this is the age my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.  I go to the doctor and have had mammograms since I was 33, but it still doesn't take away the worry.  I plan on partying like a rock star this year because you never know when it's your time to go.  You only get once chance at life.  I pray each and every day I live to see 100.  I pray for my husband each and every day he lives to see 105 (he's five years older than me).  I pray I continue to lead a life full of happiness, joy, and excitement!  Happy new year and have a wonderful 2017!

Gratefulness

Gratefulness

     I normally do not rant about people who are jerks, but this is my story and I am sticking to it.  How can we live in a world that gives us so much and not be grateful?  Have you ever walked in the shoes of a blind man, been homeless, hungry, or worry about being raped in a shelter?  I have never experienced any of these things, so I am always grateful to God for giving me a life full of hope, promise, understanding, and unconditional love.  I do, however, wonder about those that have experienced homelessness due an abusive situation.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I was able to get out of an abusive relationship and find God when I needed Him the most.  This is not a public service announcement, but more of a plea.  Please wake up, realize how good you have it, and thank God each and every day for Him giving us Jesus to take away the sins of the world.

     I rarely write about my past because I have never felt the urge to.  That being said, I found myself feeling sorry for myself the other day because Cole is an only child.  I always thought I would have 3 children, but I also knew I wouldn't have 3 children with my first husband.  Everyone has a story, so mine is one that needs to be told.  I was 20 year old college student when I met my first husband.  At first, he seemed wonderful.  He brought me roses, candy, took me out to nice places, and told me he loved me.  Once I was convinced he was the one, I said yes to his marriage proposal.  Little did anyone know after only two months of dating, the abuse started.  We dated for nearly four years before I said "I do".  I rarely put this out there, but I feel my story needs to be told.  I was mentally and physically abused, but I didn't know how to tell anyone because I thought it was love.  I was a senior in college when my life came to a halt, due the car wreck I had mentioned in an earlier blog post.

     Men and women, NEVER THINK IT'S OKAY TO HIDE THE ABUSE.  I had fooled myself into thinking I could handle it on my own.  I am extremely grateful for all that I have.  I may look like I have everything, but I truly had to find the courage to leave an abusive relationship and start again.  Yes, I had an amazing lawyer, but money does not buy happiness.  I only had my faith in the Lord to rely on during this horrendous time in my life because without Him, I knew I couldn't exist.  I have always loved God, but there are at times when I have strayed from His word.  You never know what someone else is going through, even if they appear to be happy.  I am alive and free because of the strength I found in Him.  I had an amazing support group of friends, but I also was blessed to have found a church home at Highland Park United Methodist Church.  They took me in and gave me my wings to fly.  David Davidson saw in me what I didn't:  the ability to sing for God, to witness God's word through music, as well as an unshakable faith.  I knew when I joined Highland Park UMC, I had found my home.

     I am grateful for David Carlock.  He is the one that invited me to his church, Highland Park UMC.  I am grateful for the Reverend Terry Jones, for he is the one that introduced me to my amazing husband, and married us at HPUMC!  I am eternally grateful for God giving me a chance at life again because I truly feel I am in the prime of my life, thanks to my belief in the written word.

God is Good All the Time!

God is Good All the Time!

     I am sure by now you know that I am Christian and I love God.  I am not ashamed to call out to Him and reach out to those who I know will pray for me.  Without my faith in the Lord, I don't know how I could have gotten through these past two weeks.  Our son, Cole, has been quite the trooper and had to have surgery, without truly understanding why he was in the hospital.  My husband and I have gone through so many emotions this past week, but because of our strength and trust in God, we have been surrounded by so many blessings.  You may ask yourself at times, "Why God?  Why did this happen to me?" and that would be totally normal.  However, instead of asking why, replace it with thank you.  I asked God for so many prayers and blessings this week, that I knew when our Cole went into surgery he was going to be better than ever, but that didn't take the worry away.  I followed up with, "Thank you God for chasing me down and returning 100% health back to Cole".  My mom instinct was kicked into high gear on Tuesday, November 8th, because that is when our Cole lost his coloring and was violently ill.

     I think I have told many parents and families do not check your brain at the door when your child is sick.  I feel I should have listened even more to that maternal instinct when we first took Cole to the ER on November 8th. My husband and I both questioned the doctor and asked him if he thought Cole was having an appendicitis.  Little did I know that we would be sent home with some medicine and watch our son throw up for 12 hours straight.  I knew it was more than a stomach bug, but I too came down with this awful illness, so I checked my brain at the door the next day.  However, by Thursday evening, we knew Cole was not getting better, so we took him back to the after-hours care facility and they just sent us home with Z-Pak and a note to return to school on Monday, November 14th.  My husband and I are still filled with guilt, as we took Cole to the doctor twice before being admitted to the Children's ER at Medical City.  Within 6 hours of being seen by his amazing pediatrician on Monday, November 14th, Cole was undergoing surgery and was going to be released from his constant pain.  Do I feel guilty for not asking more questions when we were at the ER on Tuesday, November 8th?  Yes.  However, because of my faith in God, we were surrounded by angels the day of Cole's surgery and still are.  Cole is a gift from God.  He has changed so many people's lives because he loves unconditionally.  Many of his friends called us, texted us, stopped in to say hello, and brought us food.  I knew in my heart my son was going to live to see his 15th birthday on November 28th because how could God take away so much joy from so many people on this Earth?  Truly, Cole has this amazing gift of looking people in the eye, asking them their name, and then follow it up with, "How old are you?"  How could you not love someone like this?

     I have been incredibly blessed by our church family at Highland Park United Methodist Church, as well as our family at Highland Park High School.  I am overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness, and care our friends have given us these past two weeks.  I am in awe of our son, Cole, because he absolutely hates needles and shots.  We were able to walk Cole through what was going to happen next because of the amazing staff at Medical City Children's Hospital in Dallas.  I am not a nurse, so I applaud those in this field.  I have never been cut out to be a nurse or a doctor (no pun intended) because of my fear of blood and needles, but because of my son, I have been able to take care of him like a nurse.  Sure, I have wanted to throw up a few times after seeing his stitches and other things, but God chose me to be Cole's mom.  

     The reason I am writing this blog post today is because it is cathartic for me.  I am healed mentally because of my strength in God, but I am also spiritually alive because of His love for me and my family.  I never knew the strength I could muster when it came to being strong for my family, but I truly believe because of God's amazing grace, I have a clear mind and healed heart.  I thank my parents, my nanny Comp. and granddaddy for giving me the tools to succeed as a Christian, mom, and wife.  My family gave me an incredible education in life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.  My family also gave me a firm foundation built on God's word and His love for us.  You do not have to live in fear because of how our world has become.  Become a steward of faith, plant your feet firmly in the ground, and declare God's word.  The only way I can live life each and every day, even when it's full of chaos and heartache, is because of my love for God.  Everyone, have a blessed Thanksgiving!  I know we will.

Educating the Whole Family

     Educating the Whole Family

     I am saddened, disturbed, and confused about this election. How can we make America great again, in terms of receiving a world-class education? Do you see what I just did? I wrote a statement about education, but then spun it so you would see my point of view. As an American, I voted the second day of early voting, and I am so glad I did! I am not pleased with either candidate for the Republican or Democratic ticket, but I voted with my heart, insight, and how our next President and Congress will enact a better workforce for teachers and provide a world-class setting and curriculum for students. Do not ask me who I voted for through social media, because I won't tell you. I truly believe our country is great, but we must realize in order to have peace and serenity in the classroom, we first must educate parents.
     I have been in a behavioral classroom setting for over a week and it is maddening to think a magnet school can have a behavioral program. I would say 95% of the students at this school want to learn and be educated. My job was not an easy one, but I am so glad I had the option to leave before I was stabbed or punched in the face. I truly feared for my life yesterday because of the situation I was put in. Many parents, grandparents, and guardians of kids who receive special education services have written off their child. Shocking, I know, but it's a reality. The disgust I have for the families who refuse to educate themselves about their child's education goes beyond the classroom: it is a reflection of who they are at home and in public.
     My plea is this: if you are reading this right now and you have parents that cared about your education, call them up and thank them. As a teacher, I am supposed to teach the whole student, but I was not allowed to do this at my current school because of a student who exhibited violent tendencies towards me and other students. Due to federal law, I can't go into what this student did; however trust me when I say our country is doomed if we keep going down this path of no responsibility. There needs to be accountability at home in order to achieve what our nation needs: responsibility and accountability of parents, students who choose to behave badly, and respect for law enforcement. I have been told middle school is the hardest age to teach, and I believe it.
     Teachers, I commend you for giving your life to better this world, but once again, I need to take a break. Parents, DON'T BE IGNORANT. Kids don't need a friend or a pacifier, they need a parent who will take them to the doctor, listen to their needs, hold their hand when their heart is broken, but most of all, unconditional love. My students have been written off by their parents except one. I thank his grandmother for loving him, but also giving him a set of rules to follow at home.  I am a parent and wife first. I refuse to put myself in harm's way, just because a student thinks I am too white and need to be taught a lesson. Yes, these are the exact words one of my students told me when I was trying to teach him social studies. Our world is doomed if parents and students don't wake up and take responsibility for their actions. God bless America and let's make it great again!

A Life-Changing Decision

     A Life Changing Decision

     I was a Senior Vocal Performance/Music Education Major at SMU, Meadows School of the Arts. I thought I had life figured out. I had completed my junior recital, auditioned for Banff and Santa Fe Opera houses, and was preparing for my senior recital. I had finally found my voice. I also was overwhelmed with the idea that I didn't want to be a music teacher, but realized this was my path I had chosen. How was I going to tell my family that I didn't think teaching was my calling? I wanted to be a professional opera singer and wanted to attend LSU for more training (Master's degree in Vocal Performance). I had made my mind up and I was on my way home from SMU to tell my mom I was breaking up with my fiance, moving to Louisiana to pursue a Master's degree in Vocal Performance at LSU, and then it happened: I was hit directly into the side of my Blazer (think small SUV), and I lost consciousness. I don't remember getting hit, but our neighbor was out in his front yard and saw everything. I literally had pulled up in front of my house (we lived on a corner) and a sweet, little old lady did not see me. This car wreck changed my life. I am not bitter, but I am a better Christian because of this life-altering experience.
     I was 23 years old and I thought I knew everything. I was rushed to the hospital, due to this car wreck, but I was going to be okay. I was supposed to sing the next day for a wedding, but luckily, if you are a singer, you always know to have a back up plan. I don't remember who was getting married, but I remember it was going to be a large wedding. I felt bad for the bride, as I had been in a couple of weddings (as a bridesmaid). I knew the stress of planning a wedding and not getting what you paid for, so this was my first thought after the wreck. The reason I thought I knew it all was because I thought I had my life planned out, or so I thought. This car wreck changed my life, and I honestly don't know if I would be a professional opera singer now, but I do wonder "what if".
My brain was mush after this wreck. I had lost vision temporarily in my left eye, due to the pressure on my brain from this injury. My symptoms did not show up (slurred speech and trouble walking) for 3 days. Unfortunately, the ER didn't think to check my brain for internal bleeding, so I went home after this experience. The hospital was negligent and I blame them for not checking my brain. They did x-rays of my knees, ankles, and chest, but they "forgot" to do a CT scan on my brain. I kept asking the nurse why I couldn't see out of my left eye and she said it was only a scratched cornea, due to my glasses breaking my skin and cornea. She was WRONG. This experience changed me as a daughter, sister, and eventually a mom. I was NEVER taking NO for an answer, when it came to my health. How in the world could an ER nurse and doctor not see the pain I was in?
     I had an eye appointment 3 days later to check my cornea, and this is when I was sent back to the hospital. I fell asleep in the chair, woke up, and my speech was extremely slurred. The doctor thought I had a stroke in his office, so once again it was back to Presbyterian Hospital and the Emergency Room. The only thing I remember at this point is the wonderful Katherine Glaze Lyle praying over me and my mom. Katherine stood over us, took my hand, and prayed to God to heal me. From this moment on, I knew God was with me. I knew if I hadn't had my mom fighting for me, I would have ended up a statistic. My mom is a strong Christian, and because of her strong faith, I truly believe she found Katherine right when I needed God's healing grace. The reason I am telling you my story is because without my faith in God, I don't think I would have the life I currently have!
     I now sing for God. I don't sing for anyone else, because without my faith in God, I don't think I would have found my voice again. I had countless people praying for me, and because of them, I am stronger than I have ever been. I never blamed the lady who hit me because she had a lot on her plate. As it turns out, she was on her way home from Presbyterian Hospital and had just gotten her cast off from a broken arm. Her husband had Alzheimer's and she couldn't send him to a nursing home, so she was driving too fast when she hit me. The lesson I learned from this accident was always look ahead, pray for others that don't know how to pray to God for mercy and grace, and always realize that life can be taken away in an instant. Love your family, friends, and pray for those that don't know God. Without my faith in God, I don't know if I would have been healed. I had a major concussion and temporary bleeding, but because of the prayers said for me, I am a fully functional human being. I no longer have migraine headaches and I have the most beautiful 14 year old son from my first marriage (yes I am divorced and now have the most amazing and supportive husband). I don't look back; I thank God for giving me a second chance at life. My biggest accomplishment was going back to SMU and completing my degree in Music. I graduated from SMU, Meadows School of the Arts, on December 16, 2009. This date is significant to me because December 16th is my parent's wedding anniversary. This year, they are celebrating 52 years of marriage.

     God is good ALL THE TIME!!!!!

Growing Up with Autism

Growing up with Autism 

     We have learned just in the past month how people react to those living with a disability.  I can honestly say we moved to a neighborhood that not only embraces Cole's autism, but loves him because he is one of the sweetest, funniest, and intelligent young men I know.  God says don't limit your thinking, which I take to heart.  I have never limited Cole or his thinking, so I feel very fortunate to have finally found peace in my life.  This may sound cliche, but finding that inner peace is so important to maintain balance and harmony for daily living.  I feel very blessed to have found my voice as a singer once again, and it is because of listening to God.  I realized how much I missed singing, and because of an amazing choir at my church, I have been able to re-connect my spirituality through music.  I was trained as a classical opera singer, but I rarely have time to sing professionally, due to my commitment to Cole and my husband.  Family comes first, then career.  I love my life, but I also realize my son is growing up, and I need to let him be independent.  Most parents don't realize how hard it is to let go of the apron strings when having a child with a disability, but the reality of having a teenager in the house makes me want to pull out my hair at times.  Yes I said it.  Cole is a teenager and wants his independence.  I never gave up on Cole, and I sure am glad he has never given up on me.  I can honestly say I am one of those helicopter parents, but because of my faith in God, I am slowly letting go of my apron strings.  

     My granddaddy, Roy Compton, was the reason I never quit singing.  Grand daddy loved opera and because of my love of singing opera, he always wanted to hear me sing.  I never knew the classical song "Summertime" from "Porgy and Bess" would be the song that would comfort him when he had Alzheimer's disease.  I feel this song was a welcome respite from the outbursts Grand daddy would have, due to his Alzheimer's.  I also feel my grandfather's illness prepared me for motherhood.  I have never once questioned God about Cole's autism, but I have wondered at times, why there is so much illness in this world.  Through the test of time, God has always been there for me, but sometimes I just didn't want to hear Him.  I feel because of my faith in God, my life is incredible, as well as Cole's.

     Motherhood is hard.  The time God gives us here on Earth should be cherished and not wasted.  I have been tested by the devil many times, but my faith in God causes me to pause when life throws me a curve ball.  Listening to my inner voice has always served me well, and I continue to pray every day that I listen to my inner voice.  Cole's autism has defined me as a mom, but because of my never-give-up attitude, I press on and thank God for giving us Cole.  I find myself wondering what life would be like without autism or understanding the complexities of this neurological disorder.  However, the teenage heartbreaks and the other worries of motherhood don't really bother me as they probably should:  drug use, sex before marriage, the first broken heart are things that won't affect Cole because of his autism.  I am grateful for God's love, but I am also so very thankful for understanding that God doesn't mess up.

Life and Death

Life and Death

     How do you explain death to a typical person?  I have been struggling to understand how to explain my grief to Cole because a very good friend of mine died this week from cancer.  The reality of death stings in a way that I can't explain because I don't know how to address this difficult "elephant in the room".  I understand death happens, but sometimes sadness overwhelms me in a way that I can't explain.  Cancer has affected me in different ways because I thought I was going to lose my mom to this horrible illness when I was just 14 years old-- the exact same age Cole is now.  I find myself examining my life in ways that I never thought I would:  1. What would I do if I died tomorrow and I couldn't explain to Cole that I am never coming back? 2.  How would my husband carry on without me?  3.  Why is this world so cruel?  4.  How would my parents deal with my loss?  I have come to the realization that maybe, in some small way, my life would live on in Cole, my husband, my parents, and those around me I hold in high esteem.  When I write this blog, I truly want to educate those about autism, but today, this post is about grief and how to deal with it.

     I knew my friend, Linda, was going to die because her husband said it was just a matter of time.  Linda had fallen into a semi-coma due to cancer a few weeks ago.  Her husband, an incredible man of strength, courage, and compassion called my mom a little over a week ago to let us know she was not going to make it.  The ugliness behind cancer is that it doesn't matter if you are rich, poor, white, black, Republican, Democrat, straight, or gay.  I have cried many tears this week over Linda's death because she was such a kind, gentle, giving, and loving soul of a woman.  She never once asked, "why me?".  I know when her doctors gave her two options to try to cure her cancer, she decided to stay in Dallas and kick it to the curb.  The sadness that overwhelmed me is something I wasn't really expecting because we all knew death was knocking at her door.  However, the finalization of Linda's life here on Earth showed me that after death, there is life in Heaven.  I am a woman of very strong faith, but what really scares me is the fact that when I die, how will my son, Cole, understand that I am never coming back?  I know many parents worry on a daily basis about their children that have a disability, because I am one of those parents.  I have many questions that may never have an answer, simply because I love my son and husband more than my own life.  However, each question that lingers in my mind does have an answer.

     Cole is an only child, so he doesn't have a sibling to share things with.  I believe Cole is an only child for a reason:  God picked me and my incredible husband to be his parents.  I wish I could have had a baby with my amazing husband, but truly Cole is our gift from God.  I realize some of you know our story, but if not, Cole was adopted by my loving husband.  I divorced my first husband because of the abuse I endured for seven years.  However, that being said, I decided not to be bitter and find something better.  Our love story is truly one made for the movies:  1. man meets woman at church through the singles ministry, 2. man and woman fall in love, 3. man wants to adopt woman's son, no matter what type of disability son has, 4. woman falls madly in love with man, 5. mom marries man and son walks mom down the aisle at the church where we all meet, and 6. man officially becomes dad six months later through adoption.  My husband is my super hero.  All people should find this kind of love in their lifetime, because if not, you truly are missing out on God's greatest gift.  

     I feel my friend, Linda, found her true love not once, but twice.  She was a widow and met her second husband through dancing at our church.  I will miss Linda every single day, but her memory and legacy will live on through me, my mom, her family, her Red and Pink Hat Sisters, and her husband.  Cancer sucks.  I know there is a cure for cancer.  I feel there are cures to a lot of debilitating illnesses, but I strongly feel these cures will never be unleashed in my lifetime until the American people decide to vote out their congressmen and congresswomen.  How does this all relate?  I strongly believe 99% of our politicians are out to make money for themselves and their family.  I also strongly believe if drug companies weren't making millions of dollars off of the American people through lobbyists in Washington D.C., we would see less greed and more drugs become FDA approved.  That being said, go out and VOTE and make your voice heard.  Politics aside, there needs to be more accountability for those who hold office in federal and state government.  I don't know if I only speak for me and my family, but if we demand change, we will see it happen.  I pray there will be a cure released in my lifetime for ALL illnesses.  God bless you Linda and all of those that have gone before you.